Launching myself out of "beginner's purgatory" this year

I've been stuck in this irritating "beginner's phase" for a long time. And I need to get out of it before I finish grad school, or else I'm going to be "doing tutorials" after work for the rest of my life and it is going to drive me insane. 

The worst of this is with art. Yeah, I got into CS Animation after being stuck in the premajor for 2 years, and that's awesome! So I'm obviously not a terrible artist, and maybe I should call myself intermediate instead of a beginner. But I still very much feel like a beginner when it comes to 3D work (especially with Houdini, despite having worked with it for quite a few semesters). Furthermore, I'm still not satisfied with my drawing skills, and I really want to start digital painting but I haven't because everyone always says to nail your drawing skills first. 

I never get to work on my own art projects, because I'm either a) too busy doing animation stuff for school, or b) when I get through that, I'm stuck in tutorials purgatory because I feel like I need to really master the fundamentals. Also, I know the reason why I don't spend as much time doing Houdini as I should. It's because I'm still intimidated by the software. The only way to get around this is to practice more, and the only way to practice more is to start getting my coding assignments finished earlier, instead of the day they're due. But alas, here I am, with two pentesting labs due tomorrow at midnight, one of which I haven't started, and the other I'm 50% done with. I wasted way too much time trying to figure out how to mount a network drive, as well as major math-debt carryover from trying to do CS 513 for 2 weeks when I ultimately wasn't ready for it yet. 

I have the same struggle with CS and math as I do in art. There are so many gaps in my understanding because a CS and math education will tend to push you through at what feels like breakneck speed. For example, in CS 224 I was so busy getting the labs working that I did not have time to learn about how they fit into the overall picture of computer hardware. Again, I'm probably intermediate in coding, realistically -- I have over a year of work experience in SWE and a bachelor's degree with a halfway decent GPA, for goodness' sake. But I still feel like a beginner, because there's so much I haven't mastered yet. Not only that, but I've apparently forgotten a lot of my data structures and algorithms from undergrad, and this is essential stuff for getting coding interviews. And my understanding of proofs is virtually nil, leading me to have to withdraw from control theory this semester (CS 513) which was almost 100% proofs-based for some gosh-forsaken reason -- I am determined to take that class again so I can become a show programmer for Walt Disney Imagineering, but I need some serious math review first. 

With writing, I feel comfortable with saying that I'm intermediate, which is hilarious because I'm nowhere near publication quality right now -- though Brandon Sanderson's class, the creative writing minor, and my two writing groups have been instrumental in getting me closer. At least I understand the basic tools and principles -- my main issue with novels right now is synthesizing smaller chunks into a larger part of a cohesive whole, with Carnivile being disorganized and plot-twisty as heck, and my main issue with poetry is that I haven't written it regularly since 2017 (unless dark demonic chants based off of Behemoth and ICP songs that I use in Carnivile count). 

And then there's music. My clarinet playing has stagnated. But that's fine for now. I've got to master the first three while getting enough sleep, exercise, and money to stay afloat. Then, I will start practicing clarinet more than once per week, and actually try and lift myself to a higher level with that. But that's probably going to be post-master's. Oh well. 

So the solution feels pretty simple. I need a heuristic for drilling myself in CS and math concepts daily, alongside my schoolwork. Additionally, I need to push myself through my art tutorial schedule for 30 minutes per day, which is extensive -- but I feel it will help me finally master the fundamentals, and once I do, I can finally get out of "tutorial hell" and spend more time on my personal projects. Writing and music will just have to be autopiloted for the time being, and I will make sure I get enough sleep and exercise on a daily basis. Also, I think I need to do VFX for 30 minutes a day. In an ideal world, I would have time fully master traditional art before revisiting and then mastering VFX. Alas, we live in a broken one, and all we can do is hobble along the best we can. 

My biggest problem with animation right now is that I need to balance it with CS. And I legitimately cannot dedicate entire Saturdays to being in the lab, most of the time, or else I'll implode mentally and experience a massive GPA drop like I did in the fall of 2016. I need to do a long run. I need to do grocery shopping. I need to go swimming. I need to spend time with friends. I need to rest. I cannot work 7 days a week nonstop; I need work-life balance. Plus, I work 20 hours per week and that isn't trivial in a rigorous M.S. program. Thus, I should probably spread my animation work out throughout the week, hence the 30 minutes per day goal. And if I need to step into the lab for a few hours on a Saturday, that's fine, especially if it's winter and the theme parks and water parks aren't open yet, though I'll prioritize WFH for now because the lack of sunlight in the labs really messes with me. Plus, when there are a ton of people in the labs making a lot of noise and having a bunch of conversations, it leads to sensory overwhelm. I have to blast music on my headphones so I don't have an anxiety attack. If I look less dedicated, then so be it. Appearance is not important. I know I have improvements to make, but I will keep working and I will win in the long run. 

I hope that 2021 will be the year I finally launch myself out of this "beginner's purgatory". If Em is right when he says "you can do anything you set your mind to, man" -- well, let's see. I finished my UX lab by 9 when I thought it would take me until much later, so can't complain about that, now can I? Anyway, one step at a time.