Autumn anxiety

It’s still summer until September 22nd, and water parks will be open until September 12th or so…but unfortunately, it’s coming. The inevitable. 

The autumn anxiety is here. Here is a link about it — it’s basically a precursor to the worst part of seasonal affective disorder, the depression that skyrockets in winter. More than anything, it’s an anticipatory fear of what’s to come. 

In just a few minutes, I have to design my fall autopilot schedule, as we drive back up to Utah. When we get there, the weather will probably be hot (well, we’ll get there at night, but it will be hot the next day). But in like a month it’ll be cold and dark again. And it’s honestly weird to think about, when I’m sitting at the top of Double Dragons at Cherry Hill in my swimsuit this September 11th, that in just a few weeks I’ll balk at the idea of going outside in shorts, let alone getting in cool water. 

I didn’t get as much done this summer as I wanted to. I did get a decent amount done, both in terms of personal work and fun activities, so it was an improvement over the last few summers probably, but it wasn’t quite enough. It never is. So that will be hanging over my head. Regardless, it’s important to just keep the nose to the grindstone so next summer I can be in a much better spot on all accounts. 

My September will basically go like this: Labor Day Weekend will pretty much be Lagoon a Beach, Splash Summit, and Cowabunga Bay. Plus, that Friday night I will be taking my annual trip to Spanish Fork Water Park, and I will try out the Payson Community Pool (which has a water park) as well. September 11th will consist of Cherry Hill, and probably Lagoon for a bit. I will probably go to Utah State Fair on Friday morning and Wilkerson Farm on Friday night. The 18th will be FanX. The 25th is up in the air — probably Lagoon. And definitely fall festivals. 

October by itself is fine. I’ll be busy and stressed, but I will do everything I can to visit Lagoon, and go to Wilkerson Farm for their fall fair. I also want to try Rowley’s and Cornbelly’s. The Hee Haw Farms has some nice looking silo slides but idk if they’re worth $10. November will technically be gaming and indoor water park season…but it will be brutal no matter what, with the fog and the cold and the darkness. Honestly fall fairs and haunts are the only things I really like about fall…and those only last for a month.

There’s just a lot of anxiety over the fall in general. Will I successfully get all As? Will I contribute a ton to the senior film, unlike in previous years where I never quite felt like I was doing enough? Will I secure a summer internship for my final summer as a full-time student? If I do, will it be in CS or animation? Should I leave, or not? How can I stay caught up on messaging people and reading books and playing games, while prioritizing my studies? Will I finally get through my personal studies of mathematics/CS/IT/art so I’m not screwed over by the winter, and so I can fully focus on my master’s project and communicating with my mentor? Can I get caught up on A&A? Should I go to IAAPA, and if so, how will I force myself to network despite the anxiety it will induce? How will the theme park design club go? Will I get enough sleep, and exercise enough to get my weight back down to what it needs to be at? So that way I can have the body I want for next summer? How badly will my sensory issues bother me when I have to wear a mask again (ugh) after a 4-month break, in which I also thought I’d never have to wear one again? How horrible am I going to feel as the weather gets colder and darker and harsher, where this world bites into me with the sharp teeth of a November wind and whispers you aren’t wanted here? 

All the same, it is what it is. I’ve been led by a series of very strong spiritual promptings that have helped me to end up where I am right now. This must be trusted, despite my imperfections. What must be done is to ignore all the people who doubt and question me and my goals. And instead, press forward no matter what, working hard so I can achieve my dreams and always, always looking. Searching. Dreaming. 

My fingers hurt now (typed this all on my phone), so I guess I’ll call it good for now. 




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