I'm exhausted. (And, why I am taking a light semester this coming winter.)

As the title says. I have been pushing myself for a long time and I am exhausted. I've burned out again. The first time I burned out was in 2016. I still managed to get into CS Animation but then I crashed even harder once I took shader programming and physics. It was extremely frustrating. 

The fact of the matter is, computer science classes are hard, and they are time-consuming. For someone with multiple passions, it can be somewhat difficult to be constantly taking super time-consuming classes, and never having time for any of your side pursuits. Or even your secondary pursuit, which for me is supposed to be animation. However, here I am, trying to tame a flip sim before Wednesday morning, and I'm not sure if it's going to go OK. I need time to review the BASICS of Houdini. I keep having to jump into this crazy stuff and I feel like there is just so much more basic stuff that I need to master first. And I still felt like I wasn't good enough at drawing when I already had to jump straight into the super complex 3D stuff. 

Frustrated with my lack of progress in art, still somewhat insecure about the classes I didn't ace in undergrad, wishing I could go back and review everything. Chickening out of coding interviews because I don't practice leetcode and I am not good at solving problems on the spot when I get super anxious. A constant feeling of exhaustion and overwhelm. I can't keep living like this. Plus, I am constantly haunted by my failures at Sling and at SimpleNexus. 

It's frustrating as hell to be 28, no relationships or even any prospects (and have never had one before), filled with all these longings and emotions that I can't do anything with for things that this world cannot even fulfill by definition, stuck at the same school, never cleaning the apartment because I'm constantly doing homework, falling behind on my fitness goals because I'm constantly doing homework, never drawing because I've got to do my homework, HOMEWORK HOMEWORK HOMEWORK. From middle school onward I was pretty much constantly studying in order to do well in school. I blew off socializing, vacations, activities, video games, keeping up on TV shows, reading, the internet, everything that I loved that wasn't school, for the sake of constant studying. The only "breaks" were my mission (that wasn't a break, it was hard) and the 1 gap year I took when I worked at Sling (that was in fact a pretty nice break, though it ended in flames during covid). Regardless, I never took time for myself and I am finally starting to fizzle out. My emotions crash multiple times a day, like a truck at high speed. 

And yes, I know I voluntarily chose to do this. I wanted to redeem myself. I felt like I didn't do well enough in undergrad. I wanted to be a 4.0 student, and I wasn't. And even though I made it through 2 semesters of my MS with a 4.0, I have no idea if it will persist, because this fluid sim is wrecking me and I have no all-nighters left in me (I'm sleeping at least 7 hours per night no matter what, if that screws me over then oh well). 

And I know people on Reddit or whatever say “it doesn’t matter what your GPA is for employers”, I actually agree. Algorithms are more important and I want to practice them; I just don’t have TIME. But a high GPA is a standard that I’ve always wanted to hold myself to. I wanted it to be a part of my identity; of who I was. A straight-A student. I’ve done that before obviously, with individual semesters at least, but I guess all I wanted was perfection. 

Plus, an MS is extremely helpful for computer graphics, and I do love what I study and am quite passionate about it. But I am NOWHERE near where I thought I would be, programmatically or artistically, when I was a starry-eyed, innocent little CS-Anim premajor fresh off my mission, who foolishly thought he could grind away at art while taking Artificial Intelligence and Computational Theory and Multivariable Calculus. I also foolishly thought that I would finally find the relationship I have always yearned for, simply as a blessing for serving my mission. I guess it turns out that while I did get noticeably better at art, I just wasn't capable of truly excelling at indie art while also taking a buttload of challenging CS and math courses at the same time. It was just too much. Three 600-level computer science classes in the same semester was too much, and I will not be doing that again. I need to stop being a hero with my schedules. It does NOT work. 

Yes you only need one specialty. I probably could get in the industry if I just grinded hard at FLIP fluid simulation, plus a few other effects, and said screw everything else. I could even blow off my CS classes. But I don't want to do that. I want to master everything. In addition to either working in technical animation or theme park design, I want my own indie art career. I want to make visual novels, video games, web comics, beautiful digitally painted depictions of the fantasy worlds and beloved characters I so desperately wish I could reach, WHILE still excelling at computer science and math and writing. An amazing artist who is also an amazing programmer, NO MEDIOCRITY. If I stay stuck like this in my creative and intellectual pursuits any longer, I'm going to go crazy. I just can't do the Utah thing, get some random crappy job and get married to someone I barely even know for convenience reasons instead of romance, deal with the snow every single year for the next 70 years to come, then live an autopiloted scripted life and repeat it over and over again until I die and something good supposedly happens. I can't do it. I cannot do that. I cannot even begin to describe how much I cannot do that. I feel like there is more to this world than we really understand, so many things far beyond the stars that we cannot reach, but maybe one day we will. I don't really know. But I cannot believe that this world is something I should take at face value, or even with what I hear at church. There has to be more than that. There just has to be. Something is missing, and I do not know what it is. 

Animation, theme parks, computer science, writing, music, fitness, work-life balance, gaah I just don't even know. I'm so freaking tired. And constantly feeling like I'm not good enough. I love all these things. And at the same time, as Eminem says, "the very thing that I love's killing me and I can't conquer it." 

As you can see, all these thoughts are frying my brain and I don't really know what to do anymore. 

So I'm taking an easier semester. I was gonna try to work full-time somewhere but honestly I think I'm just going to ask my current boss at ASG if I can work for 28 hours. I think I can swing rent until Andrew dips to California, and then I don't know what I will do. Regardless, next semester I'll only take 4 credits, Computational Creativity and University Band. I COULD take blockchain too but then I KNOW I wouldn't have enough time for my art and algorithms ramp-up, so I probably won't, plus I think it's 400-level so it won't count for anything. 

As far as full-time goes, I was so close with DreamWorks and I bet I could apply again and get it. But, I need time to practice and improve. I know I can work hard but these constant deadlines and assignments -- that are externally imposed -- are causing me to sink. I am going to implode. I do want to leave Utah, but I keep feeling impressed not just yet, finish your grad program, take a breather. Okay, fine. I'll wait a while longer. Maybe this really is a sign that I just need to take a breather and sort things out. I am relieved that I will be in California in just a few days. My mind needs calm and peace right now, and I always get it when I visit home for Christmas. 

Finals are killing me. But the only way out is through. I will muddle through and do what I can. If my fluid sim sucks when I present it, whatever. By the time summer arrives, I'll make it the best fluid sim anyone has ever seen. I just need time.