the dark months

It's the dark time of year in Utah. The sky is filled with fog. There are no stars. The trees are dead, and the ground is white and brown. The air quality is terrible. There is no more birdsong. Outside, it's freezing, which means that indoors it's boiling. 

I know that I need to get out of here soon. I was happy when in California for Thanksgiving, being with family -- then when I returned to Utah, everything came crashing back down. All the spark in me has died out. I feel like a hollow shell, with nothing but a black void within. 

I made the mistake of checking my DreamWorks chats since I haven't been removed yet. I won't be removed for another 2 weeks. I saw all the pictures from the Trolls wrap party. Everyone was so happy, and it broke me all over again. That was my only movie and I might never get to work on another one, because of stupid outsourcing to Canada. 

But here’s my name for proof I guess.

I wanted to finish my career there at DWA, or stay until I transitioned to theme park design, and now I can't do either. Everything is ruined. I couldn't bring myself to go to the wrap party because I would probably start crying due to losing the job and it would be embarrassing. Plus, it would've meant 3 drives to California within the space of like a month. I loved that drive when I was a kid, but I hate it now. 

I was right all along

And I was wrong to believe

Foolish to doubt the self-respecting truths

I learned while suffering

It was a bad drive to band rehearsal, and there was a lot of traffic. Too much time to ruminate. It wasn't good at all. Playing my clarinet helped me to feel better, though. 

Cut yourself down to the stem

Stand upon level ground again

Tear yourself all the way down

And rebuild yourself in solitude 

I need to get back to the core of who I am -- to rebuild myself. As a kid, I always knew I wanted to build imaginative worlds, which represented what I couldn't find in this world, through writing, art, and engineering. So, I will redouble my efforts. But I will work smarter than what I have been doing. I will find a way. 

Once you've been leveled out
Reconnect with yourself again

When new ideas have led you astray
Return yourself to whom you once became

I did make a good breakthrough on my master's thesis today -- finally fixed unweighted Voronoi -- though I don't know if I'll be able to get weighted working before Monday with my band concert plus playing piano in church. I'll try my hardest, though. 

When left alone

The forests renew themselves

When left alone,

Man improves himself as well. 

I don't know if I'll be able to finish this thesis on time, either -- I'm already going to finish at least a year later than intended. But again, I will do everything I can. I need to move. The seasonal affective disorder reminds me of that every year. But in June I always seem to forget it. 

Your use of self-expression

Is a weapon in the age in which we live

When you hold the hammer, you are the weapon

Smash the mirror for seven years of sacrifice

I guess the only way is to keep going forward. That’s what I did when going through every weeder class in the computer science major, and every intense animation class too. As a good friend of mine said, “I’m not letting a bunch of hard classes weed me out of what I came here to do.” And thus it is. I won’t let layoffs do it either, but it doesn’t make it any less hellish.

I mean. Sometimes I don't even know if I want to do theme parks anymore, because how do I know I won't get laid off again? And again, and again, and again. Once again, the industry is supposed to be really unstable. I want to be a lifer. I want to stay at one company that I love and just never leave it. I also often want to freelance because I can't lay off myself -- I know I'd have to provide the work myself; emotionally I just don't want to go through the pain of a layoff yet again. And maybe freelancing will be my long-term goal. I know I should be starting my webcomics soon, even though my art has a long way to go. 

But at the same time, when your heart calls you to do something...You do it. It's not something that you can ignore. So I'll keep coding, animating, and writing. I'll work even harder. And I'll keep with the engineering studies I've added on top of it. I'm still going for ride control or show programming. Right now it's just edX, coursera, khan, udemy for engineering. I don't know what else to do. I've always struggled socially, so my career, academics, and pursuits are how I've tried to find comfort. It's all I know how to do. But it's not enough -- it never is. 

I thought you were taking pictures of me

But that was just the lights burning out. 

woods of ypres