Never enough.

Some of us will never be enough for our parents. 

  • Waking up at 5 AM is too early. 
  • Going to bed at 9 PM is too early. 
  • But I need to stop being late everywhere. Just wake up at the same time as everyone else, skip your workout but still be in great shape, and magically be faster? 
  • I am too fat, but I used to be too skinny. I'm never just right. 
  • Running 12-13 miles on Saturdays is "too much".
  • I should sacrifice everything for my grades, including sleep and exercise. I should just eat less in order to avoid being fat. 
  • I shouldn't lift weights because bodybuilders are gross. 
  • I'm a bad Mormon who has done "a complete 180" in righteousness and "fallen so far since my mission" because I sometimes clean my apartment on Sundays, and because I'm unmarried at 29, and because I'm uncertain about having children, and because I only pay tithing a few times a year (despite paying it in full), and because I'm late to church sometimes, and I support LGBTQ rights even though the church doesn't, and because I've almost let a swear word slip a few times. And because I watch anime and listen to heavy metal, and because I've had to go to therapy, and because I've drank HERBAL tea a few times. Never mind that I had severe OCD issues growing up which made me irrationally rigid about my religion, and I'm trying to have a healthier relationship with it now. Being called unfaithful and worse than I used to be hurts the most, more than I can ever describe.  
  • I spend too much time on the computer when I visit home, even though I don't touch video games when I'm home (since I know they don't like them) and I'm either programming, drawing, writing, or studying math. But apparently that's a bad thing, maybe because I'm not going on dates? I have no idea. I am STUDYING. But apparently, studying and learning are a bad thing. 
  • I don't go to enough church activities despite being active with 3 callings and playing in stake orchestra, and singing in ward choir. 
  • I haven't signed up for Mutual because I don't want to use dating apps. 
  • I'm not a plastic super-happy Utah person who got married at 21 to someone I barely even know and had 6 children while still in school. 
  • I shouldn't get a master's degree because it's unnecessary. But when I get better job opportunities because of it, I worked hard and never gave up, great job???? 
  • I shouldn't major in computer science, because it will be too difficult for me. But then I do it, and I get good grades, and suddenly it was a good idea all along.
  • I should major in English because I'm good at writing. But as soon as I switch my major, my writing is a waste of time. Even minoring in creative writing is a bad idea, because I should only focus on one thing (despite being pushed to do a lot of extracurriculars growing up). And they've never been interested in my writing. They've never read anything I've written. Same with my other projects. 
  • Studying art and animation is a bad idea, and I'm bad at art and shouldn't waste my time with it -- but once I got the DreamWorks job, it was a great idea and all my hard work paid off. 
  • Going to theme parks alone is weird and creepy even though it's made me way more independent. 
  • It's great that I'm playing music, because I'm setting a good example for my siblings. But somehow, playing music is also a waste of time, and I should be focusing on grad school (which they didn't even want me to go to in the first place). 
  • I am depressed and I shouldn't be depressed, because I believe in God. This should magically solve all of my problems and I should be in a good mood all the time, always happy, always doing chores whenever I visit, always sacrificing my heart and body and soul and everything. 
And nothing I do is interesting to them. They don't want to see my art, or read my stories or poems, or hear about what projects I'm working on. All that matters is that I make the family look good. 

I have a 3.97 GPA in my master's program in computer science, and I've worked ever since I was a sophomore in college. I am now working full-time while still in school. 3.62 in undergrad -- not great, but OK considering my mental health issues. I have never done drugs. I have never drank alcohol. I have never had sex. I have never partied. I have never ditched school. I never needed a curfew growing up because I just stayed at home and did homework all the time, plus sports and music, and I always attended seminary and got my Duty to God. I was in the gifted program as a child and took honors and AP classes, plus did extracurriculars to look good on college applications. I have graduated from BYU and I have served a 2-year mission. And yet, my mom has made it very clear that I am a disappointment to her. I will never be good enough for my parents -- no matter what I do, there will always be something I'm screwing up, and that hurts. 

How long before you screw it up? 
And how many times do I have to tell you
To hurry up? 

You've gotta try a little harder
That simply wasn't good enough
To make us proud. 

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