Saturday rest.

Lifting, engineering study, and 18 mile long run done. Then time spent outside, going to Rowley's and Splash Summit. Then cybersecurity, music, art, and reading/writing, all done with relative depth. Cleaned while listening to audiobooks. Dinner, code, games, internet, maybe watch a quick show or movie, then sleep. 

Sleep. After a week of only sleeping 6.5-7 hours a night, my body can finally sleep in as long as needed. As a result, even despite 240mg caffeine that morning, I slip into rest. Maybe in the morning, I will explore lucid dreaming and astral projection, but tonight I rest. 

The cool sheets sink into me, and I sink into my soft mattress. I hold a pillow and rest my head on another pillow. My earplugs combine with the brown noise from Alexa and the hum of the ceiling fan to block out everything else. I'm in my comfiest clothes, light as possible for summer. The air conditioning is coming through. 

Nothing matters anymore. None of all my fears, like: We're all going to die someday, especially the people I care about, and that is terrifying. Sure, I believe, but do I believe enough to conquer the fear? I don't know. But tonight, the horrible images don't flash in my mind anymore, the obituaries, how Grandpa looked in his casket, how he came to me in a dream and I knew it would be okay, it's all faded. Still more. I don't know if I'll find the romance and love I desire and I manage to force myself to not care for so long until it comes out very inconveniently. All the yearning has nowhere to go. I have a giant gaming backlog and I only gamed for 10 minutes; am I even a real gamer? no, I am a fake gamer and a fake game dev. I hate being fake. How am I supposed to be hardcore if I can't even finish Genshin dailies? If I want to develop my own games, I need to stop waffling. I haven't replied to 5 texts and like 20 Facebook messages. They probably all think I'm a jerk. I'm afraid I'm going to suck at Art Fight. I always suck at Art Fight. That one VTuber I follow has so many people liking his posts and I'm not good like he is and I need to be. I should have taken freaking Scripting for Animation and Intermediate 2D Graphics. I should have double majored. I need to publish my damn PAPER. Why am I so behind? I don't have a Patreon yet. None of my novels are published. One of my writing groups QUIT on me. I think I selected the wrong shoe on Strava for Thursday's run. I don't know if I'm going to run Hobble Creek this year. Whitney is actually a bit intimidating since I haven't summited since 2012. What if I get cancer tomorrow and it ruins everything? What if I get norovirus? What if I get norovirus specifically after eating pizza and then I can't eat pizza for like the next decade? I need to read more Warrior Cats. What happened to Wolves of Beyond. Stormlight Archive...People tell me the newest one isn't very good. I bet it'll be good. But I'm too far behind to know. I want to read more Catherine Asaro, which also makes me think that I want to learn more physics, which also makes me think that I want to go back to school and study engineering but like WHILE CODING DAILY BECAUSE I STILL LOVE CODING AND I NEVER GIVE UP. Is reality shifting still possible? What if I could go back to the age of 18 and fix everything? It's all ruined. What if animals can talk? Why can't they? Why is there no way to communicate with them? I want to go back to college. I can't control my time. I need more hours in the day. I wish I had been fast enough to run in college. I wish I had more muscle. But I am a bit stuck on my lifting and food goals. You know, a serial killer could break in and murder us all. Should I have eaten that extra quesadilla? Why are they closing AireForce One? Why do CEOs ruin everything? How am I going to get to Georgia before August? WHY is this damn apartment so messy? Why does everyone else have love and happiness but I don't? Why can't I do anything right in my life? 

That's the stuff that normally bothers me, but not on Saturday night. Somehow, it stops. 

None of it matters. All the fears and stresses fade away. The main RGB lights on my PC tower and keyboard are off, but the motherboard still glows in faint rainbow, showing that it's connected to power. I look up at all the Comic Con art on my walls and somehow I just know I will be in the Artists Alley one day. Not just as a consumer, but as a creator. One who doesn't run out of time to play games. I feel held and loved. There is no logical reason to feel that. I just do. Tonight, I am not behind on anything, and it feels like I gamed for hours just like I always wanted to. Tonight, my ceiling is glass and above me are the stars. To my right is a rose garden and to my left is someone who loves me. Reality's light is somewhere between RGB and nebulae. There's no border between reality and imagination anymore. Everything just...finally...is.