St. George Marathon: 3:08, but at what cost? 💩 (TMI alert)

I don't know who's carrying the boats, but I'm carrying the logs. 💩💩

This was my second full marathon, having run St. George last year in 3:34. I only tapered for a week and I never stopped lifting except for the day before. I knew I was capable of going much faster than 3:34 overall and that's what I set out to do this round. 

This training cycle peaked at 62mpw and had a lot of lifting, but not as much as I'd like. Usually I did 1 speed workout per week and maybe threw in 1-2 fast miles for my long runs with the rest at fairly comfortable conversation pace. My longest training run was 22 miles. 

We drove down Friday (I took the day off work and slept 9 hours, hallelujah.) Saturday, probably slept 6.5-6.75 hours, but woke up a LOT. I did core in the morning for about 5-10 minutes just to get the system up and running and also vanity. I wore my favorite Big Cottonwood 2025 tee with my Revel bib clips. 

The start line was freezing. I did manage to work on all of my pursuits though, including doing a TryHackMe assignment on my phone to keep my streak (!!) because I knew none of that was going to happen after that race. 

Basically, read some theme park news on Reddit, checked cyber news on Ethical Hacking University and did the THM box, browsed art on Cara, kept my Inkwell streak, did Duolingo (just x1 math because I am not going to speak Spanish or Japanese into my phone on a bus or start line campfire), studied a bit of music theory, read on Kindle, did a freewrite and touched on Eternisummer, checked DreamViews, did my Mimo exercise, did a Programiz exercise, played Livly Island, checked into HoYoLab, and opened some Genshin gifts but closed the app pretty quick because it was going to kill my battery. Yep. 

We dropped off our bags too late and didn't get the full drone show plus started 2 minutes after the gun went off. -_- The crowd of people was insane. My anxiety about missing the gun overrode my natural claustrophobia. 

I stayed with my cousin Aspen for the first 13 miles, but then I had to pee badly enough to where it wasn't going to happen. At the beginning, I was cracking jokes and commenting on the beautiful scenery. I also kept talking about how easy it was, which probably really irritated the other people around me, but it was good for our positive psychology. 

Meme references, quoting Bluey, commenting on the lovely scenery, talking about how nice the post-race pool swim was going to be, quoting the Jeremiah scripture about MY BOWELS MY BOWELS, talking about how awesome running hills is because it's good for the hams and glutes. Or buns and thighs.

One of the Nick Bare bros (he was shirtless and had a Go One More hat, and ngl, I love Nick Bare's channel myself) ripped a MAJOR fart to the point where I actually zigzagged to exit the blast radius. 

I flashed a bunch of hand signs at the cameras. Metal horns, hang loose, random pseudo-gang-signs because I'm an edgelord of edge. 

After the mile 13 potty time, I myself ripped a major SPEED BURST down the hills near Snow Canyon, but went a little bit too hard after passing Aspen. I started to realize that my legs were killing me and I couldn't go any faster or engage my normal downhill strategies. Most crucially, the side of my right knee was starting to experience pain, as well as my left foot. Aspen passed me again and I knew deep within me that I wasn't going to be able to pass her a second time. I just didn't have the juice. 

I saw my parents at mile 18 and again when they were driving to the finish. 

I also hit some of those Mario speed boost signs which worked pretty well. There were some other funny signs as well such as "You're not almost there" in Veyo. 

I only had three Honey Stinger caffeinated chews the entire race. Drank some water and only 1 or 2 Gatorades. This is because I had eaten a ton of Olive Garden the night before and knew I tend to get ghastly ill if I fuel too much day-of. And that morning I had eaten only 2 white bread slices and 1 mini honey stinger vanilla + 180mg Crystal Light Energy caffeine. 

I didn't slow down much until mile 24, though. That was when a CODE BROWN, CLEANUP ON AISLE 24 occurred. This was not intentional and was completely involuntary, like I could not do anything about it

💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩

but it happened. Thankfully, it was mostly water so. 

Yeaaaaah. 

At that point, I was shuffling through town. The infamous Butt Slap lady of last year was nowhere to be found ( :( ), but after my little INCIDENT, I was not letting ANYONE near that. 

I could not go any faster. I was in the 8s by that point. People flew by me, and I shuffled past a bunch of half marathon walkers. I simply plodded along until I saw the finish, and managed to put on a final burst of speed. Kinda. 

After crossing the finish, my hamstring seized and I almost collapsed. They gave me my medal and this nice volunteer lady said "hello there you are going to the medical area" and then suddenly I was in the medical area. Then Aspen was there and somehow there was bread and butter in my hand? I also had apparently grabbed a BANANAAAAAA and some chips, plus some water. I also downed another Gatorade cup. 

I slowly forced food down my system, then went to the porta-johns. After that my parents were there, and I grabbed my bag and changed into some fresh sweats. YEAH. 

Recovery protocol = THE POOL. My last outdoor swim of the year, most likely. Sadge. I ate Jimmy John's and Orange Peel and then for dinner was Cracker Barrel. Delicious. Finally, some good fucking food. 

TIME: 3:08:48. A PR of about 26 minutes. I cannot walk without a gigantic limp and my knee hurts. Worth it. 

Placing in my age group? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA no. 

proof

Splits

7:14

7:11 (I feel like I should be rapping Fatjahk or Ghoste right now)

6:58

6:49

6:59

6:37 (dang this is fast, but it feels good! yay!)

6:32

7:32 (big fat hill)

7:29 (still a hill)

7:16

7:33 (big fat hill)

7:12

6:55

7:02

7:06

6:12 (Near snow canyon. Fastest part)

6:29

6:36 (Icarus you are flying too close to the sun)

7:22 (what did I freaking tell you)

7:02

6:53

7:24

7:46 (wait where is the butt slap lady)

7:35 (she's not here :( :( :(   )

8:06 (CODE BROWN, CLEANUP ON AISLE 24)

8:25 (the slow passage of time marches us onwards to our inevitable death)

2:35 (WHERE IS THE FINISH WHERE FREAKING IS IT OH there it is okay cool.) 

(Still a bit peeved that I trained for this for 12 months and didn't even get my butt slapped but I guess that's God telling me that I need to do more heavy squats.)