absolutely obliterated yesterday

I did well in Data Structures & Algorithms. I also did well in Algorithm Analysis. In fact, I aced all my C++ classes. BYU used to start you out with C++, with the idea being that other languages would feel much easier after that (they don't do that anymore, IIRC they start you with Python). 

And they were right. It worked well. 

Unfortunately, I haven't been caught up on my C++ lately, despite being a "graphics guy". Almost all my stuff was in C# and Python. And that was what my interview was supposed to be about yesterday, C# just like the first round that I cleared easily, but for some reason, it was in C++. I got destroyed because I completely forgot the basics of pointers and memory management (again, from classes that I once aced). They also drilled extremely deeply about the 2 projects I had forgotten most about: my Adobe popup card project, and my DreamWorks pipeline porting project (the latter of which I did while in the grips of despair because I was losing my dream job in a few months). 

So sick of playing, I don't want to anymore 
The thought of you is no fucking fun

While I did remember the high-level details of the Adobe project, it wasn't enough for them. My explanation of the algorithm, well, it was very obvious that they were unimpressed and were hoping for something more complex. They felt like my 2D to 3D pipeline was effectively "just adding a Z-dimension" and I haven't seen my code since 2022 and I can't remember. 

Come on down, and see the idiot right here 

They also didn't emote, like at all. I can be robotic when I'm talking about a technical problem. But I mean there wasn't even a get to know you phase. Just pure drilling, no laughing, one guy didn't even smile at all. The other guy did but only like once. 

I had aced the previous 4 rounds. I have 3 more and I don't see the point, but I'm going to have to do it anyway. 


me-irl


This failure caused me to have a major spiral. "This is why you failed and got laid off at Sling. This is why you got laid off at DreamWorks. This is why your ticket velocity was too slow at SimpleNexus and you didn't get rehired. This is why you had to scale down your MS thesis. This is why you still haven't mastered your current slew of piano pieces and aren't done with CtrlPaint and don't look like you lift and your novels aren't up to publication quality even though you've been writing since 2007 you idiot and your demo reel sucks and you will be single the rest of your life and die alone". It's bad when that happens, but it does, and when I slip, it happens very quickly. And it is extremely difficult to pull myself out of. 

Oh what the hell, she says
I just can't win for losing,
And she lays back down. 

I just want my Sundays back. I want a normal job where I can work normal hours, and spend my free time pushing myself to excel at my goals. If I didn't have to work late into the evening on Sundays, past midnight, I would be fine staying at my current place for a while longer. I like the people I work with and I like the problems we solve. I'm always happy to code, even if that interview yesterday made me look like an idiot who couldn't pass Intro to Programming. 

Now I don't want to feel a thing anymore
I'm tired of begging for the things that I want
I'm over sleeping like a dog on the floor. 

I have not lived up to the standards I've set for myself, and that's frustrating to me. If I'm passionate about graphics, I should not have let my C++ knowledge slip. I should be reviewing it every single day. I should be a master of that stuff. And I haven't been. And I'm not. 

Unfortunately, I don't have a solution for this. For some reason, I just keep going, even when these spirals happen. I'm like a cockroach. No matter how many times I am stepped on, for some reason, I just refuse to die. 

But it is hard to keep going. The whole atomic habits thing, it's the only reason why my momentum continues at all sometimes. 

I wish I was still at DreamWorks. I'm not sure what it will take to get me over that feeling. I knew how good I had it, and I did not know how to keep it from slipping through my fingers. 

The thing I think I love
Will surely bring me pain...
Three cheers for throwing up...you make me sick 

I often wonder how people are able to be so enthusiastic about everything. Most of my happiness is a facade that I am able to pull off. When you see me laughing or smiling, well, it's easy for me to emote in a reciprocal manner (unlike those interviewers) even though it also causes occasional moments where I accidentally laugh despite not actually getting a joke. I just think...How do you people want to be here? How do you think yeah, this life is awesome, I want to keep doing it? I don't know. I think I know sometimes, but then the wall hits and it hurts like hell. 

Imagine living like a king someday
A single night without a ghost in the walls
We are the shadows screaming "take us now!" 
We'd rather die than live to rust on the ground. 

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