Fear of getting older.
I turn 29 in 2 weeks. And I am not looking forward to it.
I love the summertime, but I don’t know why I’m supposed to be excited about my birthdays. All they do is remind me of my own mortality. And how far behind I am.
I was supposed to spend my 20s getting in amazing shape, running fast, making incredible works of art, submitting my writing to publishers, improving my musical abilities, learning hacking, and finishing various coding projects — such as video games, websites, and apps. I was hoping to find the romance of my dreams as well.
But where am I now? Still not ready to start my MS thesis because my math background is not where it should be, so I’m working desperately through Khan Academy. Didn’t get rehired at my last internship because my ticket velocity was too slow. I’m terrified the same will happen at this current internship. Had to turn down 2 other offers that were basically dream positions because the logistics weren’t going to work. Still not done with my introductory art tutorial sequence which I was supposed to finish in 2017, and still not good enough to get commissions. Only one published coding project, an Alexa skill, which I built using a tutorial. I’m in the worst shape of my life and the heaviest I’ve ever been. I am running slowly. I was supposed to be fast by now, and I just got slower instead. Time management is improving, but still poor. No security or IT certs and no romantic relationships — and no prospects; everyone here my age is already married. Never been a valuable contributor on any of the animation projects I’ve worked on. Music is pretty much at the exact same point it was in middle school except my piano is worse. I’m still working on the same novel I’ve started in 2019. I always reply late to messages. I can’t keep up with any fandoms. I haven’t touched my Pokémon fanfiction since 2010. My temple recommend is expired and I am having trouble with the extremely high demands of my faith, as well as my supportive position on LGBTQ issues which is directly contrary to the church’s position. But I want to believe and I want to continue. I definitely feel God in my life and all that. I just wish they weren’t so strict on sexuality in general. Even if you’re cishet or whatever you’re still guilt-tripped out the wazoo. It’s too hard. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. They ask me to comply with demands that I am not capable of following. I remember feeling so “sinful” for being attracted to girls who were “dressed immodestly” as a kid and it was just ridiculous. Unhealthy thought policing. But, the Spirit says to continue on this path so I will.
In a few years I’ll be kicked out of singles’ wards. Not that I like them. I don’t. But being single in a married ward will be worse. It will remind me of my failure. Since I’ll be moving out of Utah (still stuck here) there probably won’t be any older single adult wards for me and if there are, the age gaps will probably be huge.
“I fear I will never find anyone.
I know my greatest pain is yet to come.
I love the summertime, but I don’t know why I’m supposed to be excited about my birthdays. All they do is remind me of my own mortality. And how far behind I am.
I was supposed to spend my 20s getting in amazing shape, running fast, making incredible works of art, submitting my writing to publishers, improving my musical abilities, learning hacking, and finishing various coding projects — such as video games, websites, and apps. I was hoping to find the romance of my dreams as well.
But where am I now? Still not ready to start my MS thesis because my math background is not where it should be, so I’m working desperately through Khan Academy. Didn’t get rehired at my last internship because my ticket velocity was too slow. I’m terrified the same will happen at this current internship. Had to turn down 2 other offers that were basically dream positions because the logistics weren’t going to work. Still not done with my introductory art tutorial sequence which I was supposed to finish in 2017, and still not good enough to get commissions. Only one published coding project, an Alexa skill, which I built using a tutorial. I’m in the worst shape of my life and the heaviest I’ve ever been. I am running slowly. I was supposed to be fast by now, and I just got slower instead. Time management is improving, but still poor. No security or IT certs and no romantic relationships — and no prospects; everyone here my age is already married. Never been a valuable contributor on any of the animation projects I’ve worked on. Music is pretty much at the exact same point it was in middle school except my piano is worse. I’m still working on the same novel I’ve started in 2019. I always reply late to messages. I can’t keep up with any fandoms. I haven’t touched my Pokémon fanfiction since 2010. My temple recommend is expired and I am having trouble with the extremely high demands of my faith, as well as my supportive position on LGBTQ issues which is directly contrary to the church’s position. But I want to believe and I want to continue. I definitely feel God in my life and all that. I just wish they weren’t so strict on sexuality in general. Even if you’re cishet or whatever you’re still guilt-tripped out the wazoo. It’s too hard. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. They ask me to comply with demands that I am not capable of following. I remember feeling so “sinful” for being attracted to girls who were “dressed immodestly” as a kid and it was just ridiculous. Unhealthy thought policing. But, the Spirit says to continue on this path so I will.
In a few years I’ll be kicked out of singles’ wards. Not that I like them. I don’t. But being single in a married ward will be worse. It will remind me of my failure. Since I’ll be moving out of Utah (still stuck here) there probably won’t be any older single adult wards for me and if there are, the age gaps will probably be huge.
“I fear I will never find anyone.
I know my greatest pain is yet to come.
Will we find each other, in the dark?”
~ Nightwish
I am full of promises which I can never, ever keep. Here I am, still afraid, still dreaming of love and of better worlds than this one, and still sad. But not giving up. I really am trying to turn this around.
I just wish I could freeze time, for a while.
For now, I will try not to worry about these things. I want to fly down a water slide with sparkling water droplets all around me and forget about the world. To walk through a field of green grass and look up at a blue sky, feeling the hot summer sun. I’ll do that this week, as well as trying once more to get my life off the ground. Not much in this world makes sense. But that does, at least. Also I pet a husky today so there’s that.
~ Nightwish
I am full of promises which I can never, ever keep. Here I am, still afraid, still dreaming of love and of better worlds than this one, and still sad. But not giving up. I really am trying to turn this around.
I just wish I could freeze time, for a while.
For now, I will try not to worry about these things. I want to fly down a water slide with sparkling water droplets all around me and forget about the world. To walk through a field of green grass and look up at a blue sky, feeling the hot summer sun. I’ll do that this week, as well as trying once more to get my life off the ground. Not much in this world makes sense. But that does, at least. Also I pet a husky today so there’s that.
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