Evil fortune cookie ideas:

• You will die alone in a basement apartment with 27 cats.
• Others will always recognize your many flaws.
• There are no silver linings on those dark clouds above you.
• Your final memory will be choking to death on a chocolate chip pancake smothered in syrup and whipped cream while at an IHOP in the middle of Indiana.
• The spider you couldn’t get last night in your bathroom is currently laying eggs.
• When you lie awake tonight, always remember that no one is ever going to love you.
• Your mom.
• Your friends have an extra group chat without you in it.
• You will sneeze during a job interview and a visible amount of saliva will land on the interviewer's desk.
• Your friend will get an empty slot on their Super Duolingo plan and will give it to another friend instead of you.
• You can’t just wait on the pizzle and on the dizzle. You must also wait upon the shizzle.
• Do not commit tax fraud. That is a felony.
• Just because it’s moral doesn’t mean it’s legal.
• It is not advisable to commit second degree manslaughter.
• That wasn’t chicken.
• If you are alone on Valentine’s Day, just remember that no one loves you on any of the other days either.
• If you're cold, they're cold. But they're a snowman so they're probably fine.
• In Canada they put gravy on their hot dogs.
• They’re definitely single, and they definitely want to date you.
• They’re definitely unhappy in their relationship and secretly are in love with you. Trust me bro.
• Babe, I love you.
• I did not have diarrhea at the moment of writing this, nor did I have it for at least 30 seconds afterward.
• At least one person out there isn’t experiencing excruciating back pain today.
• Congratulations on having functioning kidneys.
• You will find a better song to cry in the shower to than the one you usually use. 
• That person who waved at you earlier was definitely waving at someone behind you, and yes, they saw you wave back.
• A rogue drop of toilet water will splash from an explosive diarrhea poo and hit you right in the eye tomorrow morning. Next, pinkeye.
• Your dog has a favorite human, and it’s not you.
• Keep staring at your phone. Surely the serotonin will arrive any second now.
• During your next gooning session, your grandma will text you a selfie.
• The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
• Look behind you. JK. Don’t look up though.
• Every pizza is a personal pizza if you hate yourself enough.
• That wasn't a chocolate chip on the counter.