Hobble Creek Half: The slow passage of time marches us towards our inevitable death

or, how I almost died alone in a Honey Bucket porta potty

(to be fair, if you are not alone in there that is kind of weird)

and lost 3/4 of a summer Saturday and 1/4 of Sunday to dying in various toilets

but at least got my Elite 100 medal hell yeah


See, I couldn't PR because I had to finish in 6:21 pace. For the memes!

*

So, in June I ran the Timp Half. No issues. 1:23:55. Course PR. I slowed down after the initial smooth downhill out of the canyon, as designed. I felt a calf cramp coming on, so I slowed down just a tad, was fine, and didn't have to plod my way to the finish line. Runtastic Events always does a great job. 

Then on Saturday I ran the Hobble Creek Half in 1:23:09 (so 7 seconds off my PR) and almost died. In fact, I am currently still dealing with the after effects of whatever just happened to my body. 

Let us see exactly how the wheels came off: 

It was BREAKFAST. Yeah, I screwed that up. 

What I had:

* 180 mg Crystal Light Energy

* 1/4 Bucked Up 

* x2 Honey Stinger Peanut Butter Strawberry 

NO, NO, NO, NO!!! NO PEANUT BUTTER! NO BUCKED UP! What I should have had:

  • 180 mg Crystal Light Energy
  • x1 Honey Stinger Cookies and Cream
It appears as though I can only have a tiny bit of calories before I do a morning race. I am 95% immune to any sort of motion sickness from amusement rides, but apparently my IBS cannot handle any sort of variation before running a race that's more than 10 miles. 

My stomach hurt starting on the warm-up. By mile 9, it was so bad that I was forced to slow down. After the race, I got my Elite 100 medal for finishing in 33rd place and then proceeded to suffer for 2 hours in a Honey Bucket porta potty. After about 90 minutes I was wondering if I was going to die in there and they weren't going to find me until after they started packing up for the race. Then I drove home with my stomach still in excruciating pain because I couldn't handle being in that stupid porta potty anymore (after about 7 minutes doubled over on my steering wheel wondering if I was even going to make it home). Then I died for more hours in my bathroom at home (once again wondering if I was actually going to die), took a nap, died in the toilet again. Skipped all social activities except for writing group on Google Meet, and also managed to make it to Cowabunga Bay because my stomach calmed down for a few hours (!!!) and then it hurt again on Sunday so I skipped church despite being almost there. 

Anyway, this was a weird-ass race, and poorly put together. There were only 2 sets of buses and they dropped us off in the middle of nowhere. They forgot to put the timing mat at the start, so nobody got a chip time. We had to walk over a mile on a dark unlit bike path to even find the start line, and I got lost once on the race course. The announcer kept yelling FREE CREAMIES as I was suffering in the porta potty and I have never wished more for the sweet release of death. 

STOP CALLING THEM CREAMIES. WHY DID THEY NAME THEM THAT. DO THEY NOT KNOW WHAT THAT IS

Let's see where the wheels fell off: 
6:05 (We chilling. Some guy right behind me was mad he went out too fast, cursing out loud. But we chilling)
6:02 (k cool)
6:06 (meh, nice trees, nice campsites etc., this is a cool canyon)
6:02 (is Icarus flying too close to the sun?) 
6:08 (hey why are none of my miles under 6)
5:55 (aha there we go. I am gonna PR hell yeah!!) 
6:21 (I got lost for about 7-10 seconds here and had to ask the spectators which way to go lol) 
6:10 (okay all good but my stomach is really starting to hurt :( )
6:30 (crap there's flat ground)
6:34 (rolling hills and I am in excruciating agony) 
6:43 (icarus flew too close to the sun, and his wings are burned. I am going to pass out and end up in an ambulance) 
6:56 (the PR is not happening, but I am in so much pain that I no longer care) 
6:45 (someone passed me) 
0:52 (I cannot pass them. I cannot sprint. Where the HELL ARE THE PORTA POTTIES)

Anyway, my stomach STILL hurts, but let's attempt to get work done because we only get 6 sick days a year here and they don't roll over. Hurrah. 

Nice course though. 

I am overall disappointed in Runner's Corner for their horrendous race organization. Then again, the only way I'd ever even hope to get into their sub-elite club would be to run a 1:15 half, which is going to take a LOT of work, so maybe I am just salty. Elite 100 medal, but no cool jersey for being in their real elite club. 

My pace per mile was 6:21. Haha funny memes. 


Here is the grossly schwetty picture that does not capture the full extent of my suffering. 


My stomach was hurting so badly that I had to pull down my flip belt to decrease the pressure on my abdomen and that apparently left a little bit of my...very intense farmer's tan exposed. So we are going to hide that :V but I guess you could find the actual uncensored photo (for FREE !!! that's usually only for paid tiers! :p) on the link above lol


And there's your proof of the ELITE 100 but still not cool enough to run with the Runners Corner crowd. Feelsmediocreman. Worth it though. Tbh, if the race wasn't so poorly organized I'd probably do this one again. Maybe I will do the Hobbler instead next summer and have a sub-1:20 redemption arc. Or, maybe I'll just do this exact race again because why not? 

If not, I guess I can always just die alone in a Honey Bucket while listening to [to whom it may concern] by [ghostemane]. 






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