Months of the year, ranked

This is not up for debate, and is unequivocal fact. It also only applies to places that have seasons. 

12. February 

Oh, what do you do during February? Answer: Suffer. What’s better than February? If I may quote Squidward: Being dead, or anything else. This month is cold and dark, it is still very much winter, and it has Valentine’s Day, which is an altogether horrible holiday. This month drags on, and on and on, and HOLY CRAP IT IS STILL FEBRUARY, WHY. I seem to get parking tickets only in February, and honestly, nothing you do in February is actually fun, even if you enjoy it at other times of the year. Everything just sucks. The only redeeming facts about February is that a) it is slightly sunnier than January, or at least you pretend it is, and b) LTUE happens in February. If you haven’t slipped and fallen on your face yet this winter, you will in February. You will watch roller coaster POVs or NoLimits creations online and try very hard to convince yourself that you’re not sitting alone in a dark room waiting for spring. Also, your car is probably filthy. 

11. January

The only reason why this isn’t ranked lower than February is that you usually spend the first week of it not actually doing anything, because of the New Year’s holiday. Otherwise, it sucks. The only people who like this month are skiers and snowboarders. And antisocial shut-ins who just want to watch TV all day. Everyone else is sick during January, and you are statistically the most likely to die during this month. Also, resolutions? Lol, no. Let’s start getting in shape for summer during 8:30 AM sunrises and snowstorms that last for 6 days! Haha, life is so much fun.  

10. November

Someone on Buzzfeed said that November is like one giant funeral for all the months you like better, and I agree. It’s foggy, and it’s cold, and it’s dark, and it’s depressing. Christmas is still super far away. It really does feel like you’re living in a funeral. The leaves are no longer dying — they are completely dead, just like your dreams. November is when we are inevitably reminded that we are all cursed with the burden of existence against our will (don't click on that). November never ends. Also, let’s do NaNoWriMo in the middle of round 2 of midterms and projects, what a great idea!! On the bright side, Thanksgiving is a 5 day weekend, and if you eat enough food you can make yourself blissfully unconscious for a roughly 12-hour period. 

9. March

You will see one patch of grass not covered in snow, and you will get super excited. It will be 51 degrees one day, and you will get even more excited. March essentially shows you just how kooky you got while weathering another long winter. March has the first day of spring and theme parks usually open on the last weekend of it, which is always a good time. Roller coaster withdrawals are very real, people! And they are cured at the end of March, unless it snows or something (gross). You will consider not wearing green on the 17th so that the cute girl in your class might pinch you, until you remember that you’re 27, and the cute girl who definitely didn’t pinch you when you were 6 is now doing a lot more than pinching to her husband. At least you get to say the word "moist" a lot, which makes people really uncomfortable and is consequently hilarious. 

8. December

If December didn’t have Christmas, the hands-down best holiday ever, it would be terrible. However, it does. You’ve probably been listening to The Light of Christmas since November 1st, but now everyone else has finally caught up to you. With all the lights, music, movies, family, nativities, and festivities, you can almost forget about the fact that the sun goes down at 4:15 PM. Snow sucks in general, but in December, it is all right. Also, you generally have at least one week off (if not more) and that is glorious. Also, running in December is okay because the snow isn’t sticking yet, though you usually have to do it in complete darkness. Oh and did I mention that Santa Claus is definitely real (read: all memories of you buying the Christmas presents yourself are definitely artificially implanted) and you Santa-deniers are just a bunch of Grinches? 

7. September 

September is quintessential mediocrity. You spend the first half desperately trying to fit in all your summer activities one last time, and are incredibly grateful for the grand total of one (1) water park that stays open until the 15th. This is both a depressing and frantic time, especially Labor Day Weekend, as you try to pretend that the warm weather will stay here forever (but your actions say otherwise). You will probably read articles about how to make summer last forever, and you will realize that it is an impossible endeavor unless you move to Florida, where there are tons of bugs and enormous spiders, or California, which ruins May and June by making them all foggy and gross. In September, there is one week with weather in the 60s-70s, then it gets cold and stays cold for like six more months. You spend the second half of the month looking forward to spooky season, and if you’re smart and ready to have fun, you’ll start it early. I say start spooky season the moment the last water park closes. 

There is that weird time of limbo when fall festivals are open at the same time as water parks, and you will probably eat ridiculous amounts of pumpkin-shaped Reese’s in order to distract yourself from the fact that you will soon be as pale as a ghost, that existence is suffering and we are all hurtling towards an inevitable death, and that everything around you is beginning to die. Seeing the leaves with tinges of yellow is heartbreaking.

September is also filled with pissed-off wasps, and lots of mosquitos. At least you can still ride roller coasters every weekend. 

6. October

Peak spooky season. Theme parks AND fall festivals are open, which is fantastic, and everyone is watching scary movies, reading scary books, and looking forward to Halloween. The leaves are gorgeous. The end-of-summer grief that characterizes September is replaced by quiet acceptance. There are pumpkin patches everywhere, and CORN MAZES AW YISS, and all sorts of fun carnival rides. You can listen to creepy music, and take spoopy walks through cemeteries, and sit out in a cornfield stuffing your fat freaking face with a giant freaking 950-calorie burrito that you don’t freaking need while looking out at the beautiful stars. Just remember, your pioneer ancestors who lived off of stale bread for seven months are now watching you pour extra fake cheese on that seven-layer burrito, but hey, got to show them that you’re grateful for their sacrifice. 

In October, I always feel close to my imagination. You can also eat a crapload of candy and pie because let’s face it, everyone is going to gain like 10 pounds over the holidays, and absolutely nobody is sexy during the winter, and we are all probably going to die cold and alone with 75 cats anyway. Sunny days in October are also very good hiking weather.

However, all this revelry exists simply to distract yourself from the fact that everything is dying. Just like you will someday, and your uncle, and your parents and grandma, and your friend’s dog, and that weird kid in second grade who used to wipe his boogers on his shoes. The trees, the leaves, the plants, they are all dying. The fountains are shutting off, the water parks are all closed, sprinklers stop turning on because the grass is going to die anyway, the fall festivals shut down the day after Halloween, and all the theme parks will be closed for the season in like 3 weeks. It will start raining at some point, probably when you had something outdoorsy planned, and you will blast “October Rain” by Yearning while lamenting the cold and dark months that lie ahead. Also, touching the weird goopy stuff inside of a pumpkin while carving it is extremely disgusting, and no you will not change my mind about that. 

The lovely days of June, July, and August feel like they will never end, and it is fantastic. October, on the other hand, is over faster than you can say pumpkin spice, and then you have to get through November, which is...eugh. The sun is constantly in your eyes during October because it’s at a weird angle. People always ask what I’m going to be for Halloween; little do they know I’m going to show up to their party in a T-shirt and jeans because dressing up is just not my thing. 

Halloween is also usually the last day of fun before everything goes to crap. I swear, after Halloween I go into full antisocial hermit mode until sometime in March. 

5. April

April is very, very good. It is sometimes sunny and sometimes rainy and you will want to take lots of hot baths. Easter usually happens in April and that is usually a blast. The flowers are blooming, and you cannot breathe properly due to allergies, yet your mood will be so much better because it’s finally SPRING, dang it. If it’s sunny, you will eat your lunch outside at the park. If it’s raining, you will play VR games indoors. Both of these things are very, very good. There are DUCKS, ducks everywhere, especially cute little baby ducks. You can also splash in puddles, without worrying about them being ice in disguise. And we don’t talk about the possibility of April snow, for such is blasphemy. The best song to listen to during this time is “Shower” by Becky G. I mean, taking a shower during the springtime is just an amazing feeling, and you have the entire summer to look forward to, all directly ahead of you. You still can’t breathe, though. 

4. August

August is happiness; August is bliss. You probably have vacations during this month, maybe to somewhere close like the zoo, or somewhere farther away like Yellowstone. You go on lots of hikes, and ride water slides and roller coasters every weekend. You go to the lake and the pool a bunch and you get covered in so much chlorine that your hair starts to take on a weird texture. Plus, you’re super tan. You eat every meal outside and you work on your novel outside and you eat at food trucks and take 6:00 PM walks. There are fairs and festivals galore, and there’s a carnival with awesome rides on every street corner. The dread of fall approaching is starting to creep into the back of your mind, leaving you to drown it out by riding that one water slide 20 more times and inhaling ridiculous amounts of chlorinated water. Your Saturday morning long runs in the heat are followed by lovely naps in the lazy river later in the afternoon. You might get knocked off your inner tube by a bunch of random kids who are trying to get by you, but such is life. 

3. July

July is like August but even better, because you have summer before you and summer after you. July is a time for music, festivities, band performances, and fireworks. You spend your Friday evenings at the movie theater or arcade, lost in a whir somewhere between fantasy and reality. You may experience what I call “summer haze”, where the peace and quietude and warmth of summer surrounds you like a warm blanket, and you feel that all is right in the world, you will find her and fall in love with her someday, and that everything you are working for will come to pass someday soon. You also wear shorts and T-shirts every single day, it is consistently 90-100 degrees which is absolutely splendid, and you’re extremely tan because you go swimming every day after work. You are relaxed and never tired and every day after work feels like a miniature vacation. And there is SO. MUCH. SUN. And light. Your morning runs don’t feel like a chore, but rather a fun little adventure you got to do before work. All coding problems are easier in July. I swear my brain just works better in the middle of summer. July is the sound of waterfalls, ice cream trucks, and crowded parking lots. July is filled with adrenaline, cruising down Jagged Edge at Splash Summit or hanging at the edge of Cannibal’s drop without a single care in the world. Also, food tastes better in July. And you can eat a decent amount of it without getting fat, because you’re exercising like 2-3 hours a day. It’s great to hike and kayak at the lake in July. It’s also great to fly down to a beach somewhere. Amusement parks are crowded but that’s just what makes it fun. Eat craploads of funnel cakes or else you’re not truly enjoying the month. There may be one thunderstorm, and granted, that will suck, but at least it will breathe some life into the dead plants. 

2. May

It’s SUNNY. The cherry trees are blooming, and everything is colorful and filled with LIGHT. Theme parks are open, and the Friday before Memorial Day — the best day of the year — marks the lovely beginning of outdoor water park season. Everything around you is quiveringly alive. Unfortunately, like in April, you probably can’t breathe right now. Also, sometimes it rains, which you are probably sick of by this point -- but on the bright side, there are far more sunny days than rainy ones, and soon the rain will be gone for a very, very long time. I become significantly more active in May, and lose the 10 extra pounds that cling to me in November through April. May gets points for anticipation, and for possibility, and for hope. 

Every Memorial Day weekend I take a walk near Riverwoods and another one around the Provo Rec center. It’s so fun to see people lounging and sunbathing by the sprinklers and watch people lining up for the water slides. Also, picnics. Picnics for days. May is happiness. May is bliss. May is the beginning of summer with its color, the dazzling water of lakes and pools and waterfalls freed from ice, the iridescent droplets that scatter all around you as you splash down an outdoor water slide for the first time in seven months, and endless days of warmth. In May, winter is a distant memory; you can almost convince yourself that winter isn't even real. In May, everything is all right. 

1. June

Yes that's a stock photo, because June is perfect. It's like May, but with less allergies, virtually no rain, and perfect weather. You wake up and it’s sunny; you fall asleep while watching the sunset. Everyone is laid back. You can go hiking anytime you want. Want to drive to Lagoon and get a funnel cake? Well, you can do exactly that. Want to say screw this crap, I’m going on a water slide during my lunch break? Yes, you can do that too. Want to randomly explore a path on a Sunday afternoon and just walk and walk until you don’t feel like walking anymore? You can do that, too. The “perfect summer day” that Owl City sings about in “Clap Your Hands”? Yeah, that’s in June, you get 30 of those. Nothing bad happens in June. In June you will get your dream job. In June, you will fall into a whirlwind romance that will last forever. In June, the Friday of the year, the entirety of the summer stretches before you, filled with endless possibilities. June is perfection, June is flawless, and I kind of want to marry it (lol). Oh June, perfect June, if I could just make it June forever, I totally would. June is just the greatest.