The 20-something types of Computer Science majors

I've been way too distracted with this blog lately, and I need to hurry up and start getting crap done. But...I've been dying to write this lol. 

The advanced neckbeard

A rare variety. When a neckbeard is forced out of his mom's basement and into college, he becomes an Advanced Neckbeard. You can always tell when he's coming, because you can smell him from half a mile away. He is very overweight, and wears shirts that are either plain or adorned with anime/gaming graphics. These shirts are either stained with sweat, Hot Cheetos, or something a little bit more, ah, suspicious. He is so socially unskilled that he makes everyone else in the major look normal. Age 30+, GPA at a 2.0 or just barely above it. Will never drop the major despite his lack of effort, because he simply doesn't care if he gets bad grades. In fact, he is probably highly intelligent, but his grades will never reflect that. Nevertheless, he will get a much higher paying job than a regular neckbeard or a wizard, both of which will never go to college. Regardless, all three of them will die alone. 

The hacker known as 4chan

The business dude who isn’t in Information Systems for some weird reason

One of the most normal people in the major. Will either be completely oblivious to your existence, or will constantly ask you to join his dubious startup. If the former, it is wise to follow him all around the STEM fair. He will start extremely enthusiastic conversations with all the recruiters, leaving you to nod and agree with everything he says. He will hand out his resume and you will hand out yours, too, with the hope that the recruiter will mix you up with him accidentally and give you an interview. And by the end of the fair, he'll still have no idea that you were ever there. He feels no emotions, other than happiness. GPA is usually 3.4-3.6. 

The gamer

The neckbeard if he lost weight and actually bothered to shower. Gamers are generally pretty cool, and they have one of three paths: 

1) Drop out of the major and switch to I.T. after the first theory-based class, therefore becoming a Bitter C.S. Dropout (most common). 

2) Stick with the major, often emphasizing in animation, and become one of the most brilliant students in his year with a high GPA (3.7-4.0). Post-grad, he will either kill himself at a game studio working crazy hours (bad idea), become a great indie game dev (great idea), or end up doing e-sports professionally (good idea). 

3) Barely get through the major with a crap GPA but will still get a decent job post-graduation. 

The really normal dude

Does not seem like a CS person at all, but enjoys the major. Is slightly quiet/socially awkward, but it is so slight that you barely notice it. May have one vaguely nerdy interest. Is probably in a relationship or married, and has been since sophomore year, serving as an eternal reminder that nobody is ever going to actually love you. May somehow manage having a newborn baby and taking classes at the same time for some gosh-forsaken horrible reason. Never looks tired. Is either extremely happy or extremely neutral and expressionless. Most commonly seen in vanilla CS, software engineering, ACME, and data science. Grades may vary. 

Hi! I really like eating bread and drinking milk :) 

The sell-out

Just like the normal dude, except he is probably single and hates CS. He's only in the major because he fixed Grandma's Facebook account that one time and Mom said he had to do STEM or else she won't pay tuition. Being his TA sucks, because he is usually super rude. You can recognize this variety by the vague look of despair in their eyes. 

Dude, it's close enough, just give me all the points. It's against the rubric? LOL no, you suck and I'm going to ask someone who actually knows what they're talking about oh gosh, please help me, my screams are silent, every night I stare into the void and wrestle with the meaningless and ephemerality of mortal existence, in the end death is the great equalizer and we are utterly alone --

The hipster

Has a beard (if at BYU, has a beard card) and wears flannels or button-up shirts and leather jackets in the winter. Showers more than the neckbeard, but still smells weird because he only uses "natural" deodorants. If not at BYU and not a member of the Church, he probably smokes lots of weed. Really likes web dev, is probably an entrepreneur and environmentalist, and gets along well with the Business Dude. 

Using vectors to store data is just too mainstream, man.

The weird artist

Wears those horrible berets and leather jackets. Looks like a film major, but not one of the cool film majors. CS Animation. Walks around barefoot in the summer. Smell and GPA may vary, but are usually not good. 

can you smell that? It's the scent of despair.

The cool artist

Loves both coding and art, but did CS because job security. Usually CS Animation, maybe with a minor in art or music. These guys are very cool. 

The classic nerd

Glasses. Dresses nicely. Well-showered, smells like absolutely nothing. Obsessed with school. Could've gone to MIT. Gets great grades and plenty of sleep. You want to be this person. You aren't. 

The classic geek

Loves Comic-Con. Probably cosplays, writes, or does illustration on the side. Probably likes both Star Wars and Star Trek, or Brandon Sanderson, Harry Potter, etc. May like DND, gaming, and/or anime. There are some horror fans here, too, but unfortunately most of them end up being Weird Artists. 

The tech (usually Apple) geek

Only uses Macs, has an Apple Watch, and used to work at the Genius Bar. Develops apps, but they are only compatible with iOS. Similar to the hipster, but doesn't smell bad and loves capitalism. Physically fit. Richer than you. 

The one emo kid

Most emo kids end up in a never-ending community college loop. If one makes it to university and gets through CS, they usually bring a good mixture of creativity and technical skills to the mix. Likes UX. 

It really wasn't a phase.

The outdoorsy

App or web developer. Smells normal. Hikes, rappels, snowboards, surfs. Uses CS as funding for their cool outdoor adventures. Super fun to be around. May end up being a digital nomad. Will get hired by one of those hipster companies where you only work 30 hours a week, and have random hiking days where everyone gets paid to exercise for 8 hours. You will apply for this company, and you will get rejected. 

The math and theory genius

Glasses. Aces all coding competitions. Could've majored in ACME, but they just love the pumping lemma too much. Something something finite state machine and quantum computing. Is kind, but completely oblivious to the fact that their I.Q. is two standard deviations above that of everyone else in the major. Nobody actually understands what they're talking about, but they pretend to. Will probably get a Ph.D. 

The IT-adjacent

Worked at the Geek Squad in high school. Wants an IT job, but ended up doing CS because that's what everyone on r/ITCareerQuestions says to do. Dead inside. Mediocre grades. However, their strong knowledge of hardware, systems, and networking will put them at a major advantage in the future, and they are well-equipped for managerial positions. 

The arrogant jerk

Similar to the Math and Theory Genius, but isn't nice. Believes that he is God's gift to the programming world. Will mock you for asking questions in class, because how dare you not understand everything immediately? Believes that if you haven't been coding since you were in elementary school, you shouldn't be here. Argues with TAs and professors about what the right answer is. Will fail Advanced Programming and have to retake it (that class always gets anyone who overestimates their abilities), and will not be humbled by this experience. 

The hardware guy

Could've been in computer engineering, but he's here in CS doing operating systems (yes, that’s technically software, but he lives on the edge of both worlds). Really good at C and assembly. Sometimes overlaps with Arrogant Jerk, but this is rare. 

The engineering dropout

Engineering was a bit too much, but he didn't pansy out to sociology or history. Instead, he decided to just do CS, which is respectable. Probably could've made it through engineering but was just a little bit too overwhelmed. Nevertheless, like the Sell-Out, you can recognize him by the vague look of despair in his eyes. 

The bioinformatics enthusiast

Every single person in bioinformatics wears glasses; this is an undeniable law of nature. If they do not currently wear glasses, they will within the next few months, as studying bioinformatics automatically makes you nearsighted. Bioinformaticists all disappear after Algorithm Analysis. The reason for this disappearance? It is rumored that they have access via teleportation to a paradisiacal world filled with animals and lush rainforests, and serve as its benevolent overlords. 

The FAANG/hedge fund-bound

A brilliant student, but more materialistic than the math genius or classic nerd. Thinks that CS is easy, and will probably transfer to an Ivy. Understands that money makes the world go round. He will be making 700k two years after graduating. Will stress out on r/CSMajors because he can’t decide between his five offers at Jane Street, Google, Two Sigma, Apple, and NASA. Like the classic nerd, you want to be this guy. You're not. 

The brogrammer

Once a rare breed, but is becoming more common. He lifts, is crazy jacked, has good social skills, and somehow still gets As in all of his classes while never looking stressed. May be a student athlete, is super nice, and brings his protein shakes into the computer labs. The brogrammer is an enigma, and it is impossible to truly understand his ways. 

Just brainstorm your pseudocode while lifting, bro.

The one metalhead (or general music dude)

There is usually one of these. Way smarter than he lets on. Always has a giant pair of wireless headphones around his neck. 

The one girl in your class: Normal version

Attractive, nice, smarter than you, and definitely already married to, or in a relationship with, some random fat guy, who is always in a major that isn't CS. One of the three girls in the major. Will end up working for Big-N or FAANG. 

LOL that joke is so funny! I'm gonna tell it to my husband when I get home :-) 

The one girl in your class: Math genius version

Also attractive (usually). Very, very smart. Some are a bit arrogant, some are super nice. Will double major with or minor in math. Either grad school or FAANG-bound. 

I ate some apple pie, and it was delicious. If you know what I mean. 

The one girl in your class: Legbeard version

Not attractive. Makes no effort to be, much like the neckbeard, and is proud of it. Looks like a man. Unhygienic, doesn't shower or brush her teeth, arrogant about her intelligence. Like the Arrogant Jerk, she will mock you for asking questions in class. Smells really sweaty, but does not exercise. Probably has lots of hair in weird places, but nobody is going to try to verify this. Excels in the theory and systems classes, but may struggle with higher-level software engineering concepts. Good but not great GPA. 

M'lord.

~

And thus it is. Amen. :P