Driving with ADHD -- oh, how I hate the anxiety and zoning out

One thing I hate about ADHD-PI is how much it jacks up my driving. It's worse when I'm sleeping. 

I zone out very easily. When walking, it is often intentional, because I choose to daydream about fantastical worlds. With driving, it is the exact opposite. I try so hard to focus on what's going on, and then I think I'm focusing, but then I have to slam on the brakes because somehow a car appears in front of me that I didn't see before. I wasn't looking at my phone; I was looking ahead of me, and it was a clear day, but somehow I still didn't notice it? Today, I narrowly avoided being rear-ended and rear-ending at the same time because of this. The car was stopped near a gas station, waiting for the car in front of it to pull into a gas station. The majority of my drives happen without incident. But this one freaked me out. 

Today while driving home, I was eating sour Icebreakers, drinking lots of water, and I had the radio on to keep me alert (driving in complete silence makes me very nervous). The A/C was on despite it being cold outside, which should've helped me be alert, too. And somehow, I still missed the car stopped in front of me, which was waiting for another car in front of it to pull into the Sinclair, until it was almost too late. 

And taking different routes is a terrible idea. I'm late everywhere I go, and always slightly behind on things. I don't want to compound that problem. 

For context, I was diagnosed with ADHD-PI in 2012 (along with depression and a few anxiety disorders) but I had harbored suspicions about having it for a very, very long time. 

I think I need to prioritize sleeping 8 hours instead of 7. Really. I notice the difference. I think I would be less zoned out. But whenever I try to sleep 8 hours, I always get distracted trying to get ready for bed, and then I only sleep 7. And if I try to sleep 9 and then end up getting 8...I feel like I will get behind on my work. It is very frustrating. 

It's so weird on the ADHD subreddit, when people say things like "lol I drive pretty well with ADHD but I do almost rear-end people a lot :) " -- like, that's not driving well. How can people be so nonchalant about these things? "Lol I almost rear-ended someone". That's nothing to laugh about. It's freaky. I don't want to rear-end anyone. That said, I need to drive, and I will get good at it. I need to get to school and to work, and to visit fun amusement parks and water parks, etc. And I can do it. I've driven large chunks of the drive from Utah to California many times (for example) and it passed without incident. But whenever I do have incidents, they freak me out. 

On the other end of the spectrum, there are the "you shouldn't drive with ADHD" people. BS. I need to be extremely careful, yes. But these people must live in Europe or something because it's impossible to do anything without being able to drive. Besides, I like being able to explore new parks and visit new places. Can't do that around here on foot, unless you want it to take all day. But it's great bouncing over to J Rulon Gammon Park in Vineyard for a quick walk and returning home in half an hour. 

Regardless, I will not take meds. I've made it this far and I've been fine. For one thing, my ADHD is not particularly severe; if it was, I would've been diagnosed much earlier. Plus, I've looked at the side effects. Weight gain, reduced libido, ED (sorry), etc., all which will ruin my abilities to find love and actually be good at it. Plus, I don't want anything to ruin my imagination or daydreams. Not worth it. I will not do it. I will figure out something else. I will become a very safe driver. Just got to figure out how on earth to stay alert. I might try the narration strategy, or gamifying it -- trying to make the drive as safe as possible, and giving myself "points" for it. 

Ooh, and another thing I hate is the "brain-lag". Sometimes, someone will talk to me, and my brain will randomly decide to dissociate. I will hear what they are saying, but I won't process any of it. Then, I have to ask them to repeat themselves, and they are often offended because they think that what they're saying isn't important to me -- which isn't true at all; I really do want to listen.