Frustration.

I’m not where I should be right now. 

I just finished a run. It was only 1.25 miles. I slept in too late again, due to being exhausted for some reason, and as a result, I didn’t have time to lift at the gym and then run the 3-5 miles that I was aiming for. I’m frustrated with the weight I’ve gained, and how I currently look. Skinny-fat and slow. Always slow.   

I’m not contributing enough to the senior film. Again. And I’m still behind on 655. 

I don’t read enough. I have this huge list of awesome books and I’ve hardly gotten to it. 

I haven’t made much headway on my art tutorial schedule, due to being overwhelmed often with my CS classes. Same with my coding/security/graphics/IT/math/physics/ECE review. I’ve accrued a ton of technical debt. 

I don’t practice algorithms enough. My personal projects are all almost entirely in the concept stage, still. I haven’t applied to enough internships, and my last two non-BYU positions didn’t end the way I’d hoped.

I’m still working on draft 1 of Carnivile. It’s been almost 3 years now. 

I haven’t touched my Pokémon fanfic in 11 years. It’s been about that long since I’ve been a regular reviewer, too, and reviewing was how I got readers. I haven’t written poetry in a long time either. 

My music sucks, and my language learning is 100% cast to the side.

I haven’t gotten any of my theme park design related certs. 

Haven’t lucid dreamed in ages. Haven’t made any progress on my other imaginative work. 

A bunch of Lego boxes lay unassembled throughout my room.

I text everyone back late, sometimes days or weeks later, and am often 6 months late with online emails and messages. I start TV shows but don’t finish them. I buy video games but can never find the time to play them. I feel like I’m always either studying, working, or getting lost in a useless hyperfocus. 

I’m late, everywhere. This problem which has plagued me since kindergarten has never gone away. Despite my obsession with schedules and productivity, I can’t get a handle on it. 

I’m 28 and I’ve never once had a relationship before. I’ve searched for her every day and haven’t found her. My prayers have yielded little. I know I need to do more, to get out of this shell I’ve always had, but I do not know how. There are so many things that I need to do differently, and it’s overwhelming. I don’t want to go back to a family ward as a single person if I’m still alone at 30. It will crush me. 

My parents keep hounding me to “get married and buy a house.” Well, I won’t. I won’t get married to just anyone. And I can’t figure out where I want to live. Or when I want to bite the bullet and move. And due to dropping Robust Control last winter, and having to retake it, the move — to wherever it may be — may be later than I expected. There’s also no point in buying a house when I’m still single. Why on earth would I even need one? 

And I lost my grandfather in July. 

I need to get organized. I need to prioritize. Somehow. But I can’t let go of any of the pursuits that I love. I refuse to. I WILL figure out a way to work with this.

I wish I had something profound to say. But I don’t. Other than today, I am going to treat it as a new day. I am going to try again. I am going to push through. I am not where I hoped I would be. But I know I can get there before this winter is over. Maybe not with everything. But with most things. And so, I will try again. 

Also, I appreciate this article.

Climbing the mountains, lost in the sea,

Down in the valley, get up once again.

Navigation, failure, lost on the way

Riding the waves into the shore,

Time, let the misery end. 

— Rainarea, “Climbing the Mountains”