Ravings of an Undead Cheese Minion

I hate staying up, but we were already up kinda late at the baskeball game, and my extremely irritating neighbors have been shooting off fireworks erratically for hours. So I got ready for bed and then just stared at my laptop attempting to be productive instead of sleeping. I sure hope they stop by 12:30. I want to sleep.  I have a lot of goals and dreams for 2023. I made a good list of resolutions. This year will be the one that shines the brightest out of all the years I've had so far. It'll be time to get those goals all started as soon as I wake up. For now, rest. 

I wanted to use some syntax in N-Unit to compare equality of double[] arrays within a certain tolerance.  I basically wanted to do this, using the second answer by maciejkow. So I installed N-Unit and tried it, but I kept getting a bug about the tests not being found.  Turns out, you have to annotate your test methods with [Test] instead of [TestMethod] in C# in order for N-Unit to detect your tests. Stack Overflow was down, and I misplaced the link. but the preview text on Google was my lifesaver for this one lol. 

 ...is 8989 IDK how long that will work for, but that's what it was on Christmas Eve. 

I’ve had a great break so far. Last year’s sucked. This year, the weather has been beautiful, and I’ve stuck to a schedule (loosely). It’s too bad it’s gone by so quickly. The usual conflict arises — I hate the winter, and I’m so much happier in California, but all my friends are in Utah and I love the summertime there.  I just wish I had more time to anticipate Christmas and really feel that buildup. But each year I’ve been so busy with school that Christmas just sneaks up on me. I’m so narrowed in on accomplishing XYZ before Christmas and XYZ before New Years that I don’t have the energy to really dream about the holiday before it gets here. I hope that in 2023 I can focus on that more.  Even so. so much buildup…and then it’s over so damn fast.  Soon: New Years resolutions. 

We all know of the common stuff, like antivaxxers and their various logical fallacies, which have caused old diseases to resurface.  But there is a lot of smaller, yet still pernicious crap science out there.  Just brainstorming on a lot of fake science that sets my BS-o-meter off: You have to put 10,000 hours of something to get good at it You can only focus on one passion or else you'll suck at what you do Anything about "starvation mode" in regards to weight loss "Ectomorphs", "mesomorphs" and whatever the other one was Carbs are supposedly evil and make you fat You should only eat "complex carbs" You have to live off of boiled chicken, broccoli, protein, and brown rice to get ripped, and avoid sugar and fast food  Testosterone isn't a steroid  Cardio will destroy muscle so you shouldn't do it, asthma and heart health be damned (I actually do have a debunk on this one, thanks to the excellent Scooby Werkstatt: LINK ) You can get &q

Are the worst.  I start out with a long run every Saturday. I usually feel pretty good, though running through the city sucks (canyon is too snowy and icy). Sometimes I'll clean after, sometimes I have too much homework so I skip it. Since I'm working 40-hour weeks in addition to school, I have to get as much thesis work done on Saturdays as possible. So after my shower, it's time to get work done.  I think winter Saturdays wouldn't be as bad if I could just code for a few hours, then lose myself in some video games for the rest of the day. But when I have deadlines to meet, I usually can't game until the very end of the night, and not for very long. Maybe 30 minutes if I don't fall asleep in front of my PC first. It's worse when friends cancel so I have nowhere to go later in the night, and it's so cold that I can't motivate myself to leave the house.  I did a 5K time trial this morning as part of my long run, and WOW did it kick off my asthma. 27 d

A few semesters back, I took Computational Creativity and liked it. Our group project was a GPT-3-based interview chatbot, and in retrospect, I'm glad I didn't do a project with AI art.  At the time, I was simply interested in  possibility . What are the limits of what computers can do? That's why I found it interesting. I wanted to get good at making art myself, and also understand how AI art creation worked from the perspective of deep learning. I worked a lot with prompt engineering in that class. It's something of an art itself, but very different from the process of drawing, digital painting, or 3D modeling in Maya or Blender.  We did  talk about the ethics of AI art, but unfortunately, my consistent tendency to dissociate and fly away to Magical Fairy Rainbow Skittles Unicorn-Filled Sexy La-La-Land during lectures ascertained that I can't remember the arguments that were presented.  Ultimately, the problem isn't with the risk of job loss to artists. Don&

I've moved up my intended graduation date from June to April. I've decided it's time to start working hard on my creative work -- combining my coding, art, and writing to build my fantasy universe. While the M.S. will definitely help me with this, it's also kind of a hindrance. When I get off work, I can't relax much with some video games or a nice movie, because I have to study. When I start work, I have to get there early and study first. So, this degree must be completed ASAP. I can and will continue to study fluid simulation during my allotted coding blocks; I am just tired of having to sacrifice everything else for it.  In other words, working full-time AND studying means that these two things have a monopoly on your time. They suck out everything else that's important to you. My routine is basically wake up, go to the gym, study, work, study again, paint like 2 brushstrokes in Photoshop and write like 2 sentences of my novel, and go to sleep. School is slo

I Hate This Place was a band recommendation that I found on the Owl City subreddit. The commenter said that they were very similar to Owl City, but a little darker.  I tried out a few of their songs and I became a fan. Unfortunately, it looks like their heyday was in 2010. As it was for most of the bands that I like. Their social media is dead now. 2010 was just a better time. :| The Snowlights album has helped with my SAD. It talks about winter but it doesn't glorify it. Most of IHTP's music is sad.  I trace your outline across the snowfall  Moving slow under the blankets of ice here in my room  The singer sounds tired. It makes sense, with the themes of sleeping and cold. Tracing the imagined outline of someone you wish was beside you while the snow blows outside. The world feels icy, inhospitable, and sad. It makes me want to go somewhere far away.  What it feels like to be with you... When all the masks we wear have fallen away. When all that makes sense in this frozen worl

They will be removing  Religion Sexual orientation  Political views  In an effort to make the platform "simpler", which makes zero sense, because it's just three data fields. Doesn't sound complicated to me.   Then again, it's not necessarily a bad thing, either. It releases a bit of baggage. I left social conservatism years ago, and I will not be returning. But I am under no obligation to advertise that.  I guess what I'm more frustrated about is the larger trend that this points to. There are no good social media platforms. The only one I like is Reddit. They've gotten too simplified, and you can't really get to know people. I hate the short bios that are commonplace nowadays. As a quiet person wanting to be heard, I want to write a longer bio where I can really express who I am, as an individual. I also hate the focus on videos. As someone who listens to music almost 24/7, I don't want to watch videos, because I'll have to pause my music.  I

 From Thanksgiving. 

Mine: Become a published author, become a skilled digital artist with an active following and Patreon/commissions, completely master the field of computer graphics, become good at cybersecurity/cryptography, publish video games, animations, and apps, become good at computer hardware and PLCs for theme parks, open my own theme park resort, become good enough at clarinet and piano to play in locally competitive orchestras, and become a locally competitive runner who retains a good amount of muscle tone.

The only time I ever block people is if they’re rude or mean to me. I never unfriend anyone unless it comes automatically with a block. I want to be friends with everyone I meet, unless they're consistently rude or unkind. Even then, such people are often hurting, so sometimes I don't even block them in those cases.  So, it always hurts to get blocked or unfriended, especially when you've never interacted negatively with someone. I just got blocked on Discord by someone who I liked, and I don't know what I did wrong. This really upset me.  I actually don't send out friend requests anymore, on any platform, unless the person was already my friend elsewhere, because I fear getting removed as a friend. And I ALWAYS accept (or follow back) people who add me, unless they're obvious bots, but that's it. I should stop caring. I wish I could. There's just no point in making yourself vulnerable when you will get hurt in the end. Figure things out yourself, keep p

On Thanksgiving it’s nice to remember all the good food that makes you fat.  Example: this donut chicken from Knott’s that I had in summer 2021.  Fried chicken, cheese, and bacon with two glazed donuts instead of buns. Plus fries and a chocolate shake. I’m not sure if they still sell it, since it seemed to possibly be a 2021 exclusive? But yeah, that meal will go down in history and in my arteries, all 4000 calories of it (or however much it has; that shake has got to be 1000 alone). 10/10, would absolutely eat again. Probably my favorite food alongside that Aloha Plate Spam at BYU and Marco’s or maybe Topper’s Pizza. 

I need my fluid solver code working on Mac so I can make progress over Thanksgiving, because I don't want to TeamViewer into my PC and my laptop is a Mac without Bootcamp (which I shouldn't need due to having a PC). I spent way too long trying to get the stupid thing to compile and couldn't get it up and running. I even deleted and reinstalled Visual Studio. Turns out, C++ applications aren't supported at all.  ...Why didn't Microsoft add this support? It seems ridiculously  obvious that this should be available.  Configuration files and compiling are among the most frustrating parts of coding. Once you're actually in a working IDE, things aren't so bad. Your only enemy is really your algorithm, and possibly the quirks of whatever language you're using. I'm not sure of the best way to improve my skills at this area, but it's probably one of those things that I will have to do "after grad school".  I'm just gonna compile with g++ for

What beautiful things I'll wear What beautiful dresses and hair I'm lucky to share his bed So why do I wish I was... ~ Emilie Autumn Whenever I listen to "Marry Me", I always think of the rapid-fire BYU marriages I constantly saw as an undergrad, and how I could never do that. I can think of nothing worse than marrying someone I don't really know, simply to make everyone else around me happy. I'll deal with the constant "why aren't you married yet" crap; I don't care. That isn't to say that all of those rapid-speed marriages go poorly -- it's just something I always knew that I wanted to steer clear from in my own life. Love is what I need, and truly knowing someone, and I will not settle for anything less than that. 

  I think I jacked up my second U computation.  On second thought, it could be P again. These values shouldn't be in there. But, I thought I fixed them.  Important to note that P derives from B. I think the reason why my debugging is going in circles is because everything is calculated from the previous timestep. Frame 2, first timestep seems  to be when it first corrupts. 

Everyone online is moaning about scarlet and violet for some reason. Why? These games are amazing. Violet has almost everything I’ve ever wanted in a Pokémon game. Gamers can be such entitled little brats lol. 

EA as in Emilie Autumn, not Electronic Arts My Asylum inmate number is W65V!  (Canonically the asylum is for women only so I technically wouldn't be in there at all, but this is also a world with parallel dimensions and talking rats so who cares?) I love custom merch like this. I also love talking rats. 

...and I'm actually going to finish it. No more starting games and not finishing them lol.  I love this game! It's got everything you could want. I could get lost in this beautiful fantasy world with all of its magical creatures, forever.  THIS is why I love games, despite not devoting enough time to them right now. I love games where I can escape this place. The Pokémon world has captivated me ever since I was 5. Show me a paradise that is so much better than here. Make me never want to leave it. 

…and why did he move 21 miles today? 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 It's too cold to do that here. I am at a disadvantage due to being in Utah. I ran 12 miles and walked 0.5, and I only got in the 25k range for steps.  I guess at least there's more competition at DWA than at Sling, where I won easily every day lol. 

Two months pass by, and it’s getting cold I know I’m not lost; I’m just alone.  But I won’t cry, I won’t give up,  I can’t go back now.  Waking up is knowing who you really are… ~ Evanescence  Well, at least next week will include some built-in rest time. I had better not get sick. My throat feels a tiny bit funky from running 12 miles in 17F with wind this morning. Yes, it sucked. I love running but I hate the cold. I have gotten the 2022 flu shot and one covid booster. Haven't gotten this fall's covid booster yet. Hopefully it's just asthma.  It’s literally getting cold, as it does every winter, yet it wrecks me every time it does. And it's been 2 months since summer. But I’m on the right path, even if I am alone and can’t find “my person” and I don’t see the point of mindless socializing (outside of family, my main friend group, my 2 writing groups, school and work, and my club...this is not that much apparently because of all the crap I get for ditching on FHE or ac

With like…everything in my life, lol.  After I rest for a bit, I’ll start breaking down all of my tasks.   

Overall goal: Fix this bug and get a fluid simulation going, so on Monday we can run it by the other students in my lab to make sure it's accurate. Then, try to figure out what the hell I'm doing for my actual thesis, and potentially code up MPM. Potentially  -- but I must make a decision ASAP.  First objective:  Iterate through the pressure vector and manually replace all -NaN values with some other number. See if the program runs and completes properly, and if the elimination of pressure -NaNs also eliminates POSITION -NaNs. If it does, then we’ll have to work backwards from there. If it doesn't, I am probably misunderstanding this bug... Result #1:  I replaced all -NaN vectors with 1 for the pressure solve. Indeed, it seemed to eliminate the -NaNs from showing up in my position data files.  So that's good.  Basically, it's either something in the cg.solve() (not likely) or something funky getting passed into B that screws up the result  of cg.solve(), which is s

yeah you want to go to distant lights through these windows maybe you'll find her there ~ I Hate This Place

And write a lot too. But how? I’m working all day, then I have coding for homework. When will I find the time without sacrificing sleep or fitness? Or, will I just have to push and get this thesis DONE so THEN I can do art? I want to do like 2h per day after I’m done though. And that’s more time without practice :/

I’m building a fluid solver based off of one that Sean Flynn coded for aspiring CG devs. Eventually I’ll make my own from scratch but I don’t think it’s the best use of my time right now.  The idea is that we’re supposed to fill in the pressure solve ourselves, as an exercise. I did that based off of the given formulas… …and I get -NaNs ALL OVER my pressure vector. It’s filled with them. This, in turn, screws up my position vector. As a result, my particles vanish into space after the first frame or two.  I’ve been stuck on this since Saturday, go me.  Tomorrow morning, I will try the following patch: Iterate through the pressure vector and manually replace all -NaN values with some other number. See if the program runs and completes properly, and if the elimination of pressure NaNs also eliminates POSITION NaNs. If it does, then we’ll have to work backwards from there. If it doesn’t, I’m phoning in for assistance. I cannot make any conclusions beyond that until this is fixed.  I still

The problem with debugging (in C++ usually) is that you’re always convinced you’ve almost found the solution. As a result, it’s an easy time sink. Suddenly you’re 30 minutes past bedtime, you haven’t done any other homework or activities except for debugging, and your back and neck hurt from hunching over for hours. Oh and the bug still isn’t fixed.  This SUCKS. But it doesn’t happen at work, or for personal projects, just homework. Why? Work is timeboxed and personal projects have no real deadline. So I guess I’m just gonna have to start timeboxing my debugging. I haven’t touched math, art, or writing today, or any coding other than this insidious bug with my pressure solve. This will not happen again, and neither will my poor posture or lack of breaks.  And the cool thing about timeboxing debugs is, your subconscious can work on them when you’re not there. That’s why I often get good results with a morning study and evening study, with a break to screw around in between. I think I’ll

I’ve never played WoW because I always thought that MMORPGs were too social for me. Plus, there’s a monthly fee AND I don’t have enough time for gaming as is.  But for some reason I mixed it up with LoL and I didn’t realize that it was a whole fantasy world that you could explore…which I would love.  Also there are dragons in it?! Dang, now idk what to do, but it’ll probably be nothing because I have hardly any free time. But then again…DRAGONS. 

if you sing loud and clear someone passing by will surely hear you no, you can't be afraid if you ever want somebody near you ~ Emilie Autumn  Getting my first batch of EA merch on Monday! Then I really need to cut back on my spending; I've been way too reckless with my finances lately. 

With the major disclaimer that work, school, and exercise come first, in that order. All else can be skipped when needed.  If it's not one of these areas, it's going to get nixed lol.  WORK (self-explanatory) FITNESS lift run beauty: self-care, hygiene etc.  logging workouts CODE MS work: code and paper math/physics non-MS coding CREATIVE music artwork: 2D and 3D writing TECHNICAL theme park design cybersecurity UNWIND internet gaming  TV reading webcomics, fanfics, nosleep MOSQUITO cleaning  daily planning daily goal-setting MEDITATE nightly (great insomnia deterrent)  dream journaling  lucid dreaming 

These are some nice even numbers.  Look at that, exactly 2500 calories. So clean. And what a lovely number, 444…

Evanescence, My Heart is Broken:  "I closed my eyes and dreamt away All of the fear."  vs. the real lyrics: "I close my eyes and drift away Over the fear."  Also Evanescence, Away From Me: "Lost in a dying world, I reach for something warm I have grown so weary of the life I live."  vs. the real lyrics:  "Lost in a dying world, I reach for something more I have grown so weary of the lie I live."  On a related note, Bing's lyric search sucks a-double-s. 

I am so ready to be done with school, and just focus on my own personal projects in regards to programming, math, digital art, writing, theme park design, and music.  I have such a long list. And I love being able to just...go crazy on personal work, then ride roller coasters and water slides when I need a break. Thinking about my gap year and how awesome it was…but this time, I won’t have the GRE hanging over my head. Just some certs that I can do, if I want, at my own pace.  I want to work my 9 - 6, then go home and create! There's a lot more I want to learn in terms of computer graphics, but on my own time, with my own deadlines, at my own pace (except for at work of course).  I just need to finish my thesis proposal, my actual thesis, and my ramp-up work for FDOJ.  193 days until the end. I kinda want to finish this thesis in like March or April though. But I'm still gonna spread out my credits so I finish in June. Hopefully, I will be done before then, and then I can just

When I worked in-office at BYU, I usually was never ready early enough to use my SAD lamp (a Verilux HappyLight which I named Mr. Happy, after the ICP song) for the recommended amount of time before I had to leave. And I didn't really want to bring it to campus.  So I would often get hit by a wave of intense sadness while at work. I'd blast my music, take deep breaths, and lose myself in the code. I would also eat too much sugar from the mini mart, which is how I gained 15 pounds in the first 2 years of my MS program. When I was feeling better, I would come out of my shell and start talking to my coworkers again.  Recently, I've been using my SAD lamp for 50-90 minutes per day, Monday through Friday, now that I am working remotely for DWA. I have noticed a HUGE boost in my mood. The depressive spells still happen, but not for very long.  Strategic use of caffeine has helped a ton, too. It's amusing that I used to have such an irrational fear of it. I use Crystal Light E

OH MAN.  196 days until the Friday before Memorial Day, when I hit all of my important deadlines.  I am already behind on this FDOJ schedule. But that's okay. This was anticipated -- it is quite aggressive. I'll do everything I can to catch up by this weekend.  Regardless, I'm gonna get some Noodles and Company and play some Placid Plastic Duck Simulator tonight. My brain is soup.  Also it's 20 degrees Fahrenheit and I HATE it, but having all my goals tied to Memorial Day Weekend makes it not feel as bad -- i.e. as long as it's still cold, all hope is not lost, and I can still finish my crap in time for outdoor water park season.  (image by shapelessflame ) 

Did I vote? Yes. Did I lose motivation halfway through and leave (most of) the second half of my ballot blank? Also yes.  But then I had a nice walk at City Center Park during lunch which included a ballot drop-off, so that was pleasant.  Honestly my only real purpose to vote was to hopefully help McMullin win over the homophobic jerk, Lee. Looks like it didn’t work but that’s Utah for you. 

Time is flying! The clock is ticking. Let's GOOOOOOO I am also posting these because I need to hurry up with my work lol

You wake up in the morning, in a rush to get to your destination. Or you finish your gym workout, ready to drive home to get showered and studying before work. You are greeted by a coating of ice on your car, which you now must invest time to scrape off while blasting the defroster, making you late. Or you can play a game, called "I hope there aren't any pedestrians because I can only see through this tiny gap in the ice." If it was summer, or I was in California, I could just, you know, drive. 

The way some people say the following words: Sunday (or any other day of the week) Sun-Dee instead of...Sunday Garbage Gar-Beege instead of Gar-Bihge Ensign En-Zinn instead of En-Zign  Treasure Tray-Zhure instead of Trez-Ure  Measure May-Zhure instead of Meh-Zure also, the way Flo Milli raps "Tuesday" in Beef Flo-Mix sounds exactly how a Utah person would say it (Toos-Dee) and it makes me cringe every time lmao. 

I tried getting the Christmas music up and playing nice and early, but it didn't work. I didn't feel anything. I think I'll feel a lot better once Christmas starts drawing closer...I hope.  So here are some SAD songs instead.  Emilie Autumn, Shalott November's Doom, Swallowed by the Moon Emilie Autumn, Misery Loves Company Blvck Ceiling, Cold Yearning, Dead Straight Line Stitch, Cold Front  Maybe I should listen to Dark Matter by Straight Line Stitch. There's a weird category of songs that somehow acknowledge sadness while also saying (or implying) that it can be overcome, and are surprisingly motivational. Like: Straight Line Stitch, Dark Matter Linkin Park, Given Up -- OK, I don't know how I find this one motivating, but somehow I do.  Breaking Benjamin, I Will Not Bow Babymetal, Megitsune (There is also an English cover which is really good) Slayer, Disciple 

on seasonal affective disorder in northern Utah  I knew they would arrive, These endless days of gray. Again, I cannot catch the light that flies, Nor my spirit that fades away.  Far gone are fields of green and blue, Of glittering droplets under the sun.  My head hangs heavy, my eyes droop, Beside me lies no one.  In bleak months that follow, Dark thoughts are again commonplace.  On slick pavement, my heart hollow So many ways to leave this place.  And the snow it’s fierce And the wind it bites And the ground is a rink of ice And like the summer, my smile dies.  Blurry lights dancing on moonlit streets Obscuring road lines white Empty playgrounds and barren trees Slow hour after hour of suffocating night.  The sun has toppled, the starless sky arised, To paradise far, birds are flying. Hours of false computer light Unable to stop my crying. 

I am reviewing the majority of the math topics on Khan Academy right now, and for some reason I'm really screwing up on geometric transformations.  Which is weird. I don't think I quite have hyperphantasia (though I've considered I might), but I have always considered myself to have a strong, visual imagination that at least borders  on it, which I think shines through in my writing.   But when it comes to geometric transformations, my brain buzzes out. It's not that I can't picture them, but that there are a lot of moving parts, and if you forget just one, you are screwed. I have been stuck on this unit for multiple months, mainly because I don't have much time to work on math, but also because I keep bombing the stupid quizzes. I keep getting the questions wrong, but it makes you retake the entire thing if you get less than 3/4 or whatever. And I'm already late to work and haven't worked on my code yet, UGH. I didn't expect things to get difficult

Haven't found an article yet that talks about balancing  all three . I've always had to balance all 3. Technically, studying CS Animation meant that I was also an art student (but barely, because the program is heavily weighted in favor of coding), and also, I'm a TD in the animation industry -- so maybe I've already made it. But I want to create beautiful illustrations and animations on my own. I have the coding and art skills required to build pipeline tools, code graphics applications, and troubleshoot artist issues. But when I create my own art? It's fine . It's not bad . But it needs to be good . And well, when I try to draw people, I have to say that it is probably more on the side of bad , lol.  I feel like I'll be an even better TD if I am on a skill level closer to that of the artists. I don't have to be  there, but I need to be close  -- of course, I want to get all the way there lol.  And then I also have writing and music, plus trying to nail

like I have no idea what this Houdini file is doing (something with fonts?) but OOH PRETTY NUMBERS :O 

FDOJ = first day of June, but it's really going to be for Friday, May 26, 2023, which is 211 days from now (I have a counter installed on Chrome). Close enough, and it gives us a small buffer.  All my deadlines for personal work are set. My deadlines for fun stuff, like getting through my reading list, are WAY looser.  I'm a little bit less aggressive this time, but this is still going to be a major stretch. For example, I no longer have a weekly mileage goal, just a weight and body fat % goal. I also gave myself a HUGE amount of leeway on cybersecurity and CompTIA, because I'm fine with making that a summer project. Trying to take those exams while completing a master's is a bit much. Of course, if I can smash that goal, even better.  This is going to be ridiculously hard, but I'm behind and I know where I need to be. I think if I push enough and do my best, I can do it. If I fall behind, I'll proceed forward anyway, and catch right back up.  Ideally, I won'

 this is so stupid lmao why did I post this 

We watched this over the weekend. I didn't know much about it, other than it had the Rock in it, which was enough for me to go.  It was great! I don't have much in way of complaints. It was a really cool film! Would definitely recommend it. 

Entropy is a natural law of the universe, stating that it is always moving to a state of greater disorder. Your spaces will always get messier without regular cleaning, your to-do lists will mutate if not pruned, your muscles will atrophy if not used, your skills will weaken or at least stagnate if not regularly practiced.  It's very annoying.  But it helps me to think of maintenance tasks as an ongoing fight against entropy. Fight it and push it back for as long as possible. 

I started between 170 and 172. I’m now down to 165! Only 10 pounds more to go before I can start maintenance and then reassess! 

I can't let my mom's words hurt me anymore.  I mean, they do. But it wrecked me today. Think about how much power those short few minutes of her anger had over me. It ruined most of my day. I could hardly focus on anything. Well, I've had enough of that. I will not let this bring me down any longer. I have my goals and I won't let my parents' opinions that I shouldn't do them stop me any longer. I live my life my own way, and I still have no idea what I'm doing that makes her think I am so sinful and unrighteous. But I don't care anymore. I know I'm a good person and I'm not doing anything wrong. I will not beat myself up again. I will not hate myself anymore.