what does it look like?

In the premajor for CS Animation, I remember walking around the TMCB, exhausted. It was night, the building smelled weird as usual, and I was so tired, but there was more coding to do. 

I had no idea if I was going to get into the program or not. I was pretty sure I wouldn't, logically, but emotionally I felt that I would. It was a constant war within. I had backups to my backups, for sure, but I wanted it so badly. I envied those who were already in the program. One person who had gotten accepted already ended up quitting due to Computer Systems. I thought this was insane and knew I would never do that. If I got in, I was going to complete the major. 

I would look at the film movie posters on the wall outside the animation lecture hall. I would look at Rio 2, that's the main one I remembered. I've always liked Rio, even though I hadn't seen the sequel yet. 

I would think to myself "Great things are never easy. I will never give up on this." 

Nowadays, I prioritize sleep a lot more. I believe I would've had a better time back then if I had taken better care of myself. Even so, it remains. 

I can look at the Comic Con art on my walls, and the Bad Guys 2 and Trolls posters I have, and I can think "I give up" because I lost my dream job and I feel stuck. But great things are never easy. And I will never give up on this. 

What does it look like, to keep going even when it doesn't make sense to? Honestly, not glamorous. Back then it looked quite sleepy. 

Of course, I got in, just after 2 years and a failed attempt + a cycle where I panicked and didn't submit anything. And when I was in, I still didn't perform to the level I knew I was capable of. Then I got into DreamWorks by some miracle and lost it before I had even really processed that I was there. 

But I will perform to that level now. With all my love. 

Being back in SWE in a CI/CD-less GIS role is just like being in CS without yet being accepted into animation. "I love this, but it's incomplete". The bridge between two worlds is broken, but I'm rebuilding it. And I will rebuild again and again and again...as many times as I need to. 

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