song lyrics of the day

(Lyrics at the bottom.) 

Some morning are just sad mornings for no reason. Today was one. 

It's like teetering on the edge of a precipice, but I don't think I'll fall in today. The sun is too bright and summer is approaching. The void within is a chasm at my feet, and today it is yawning, wide, begging me to jump straight into it. However, I will not. I am simply staring into the depths. 

Allergies and asthma have been bad today; I've been short of breath and that made my workout more challenging. Also, I jacked up my foot and couldn't run today. Elliptical only, and it wasn't for very long. Overall, frustrated with lack of progress in various areas of my life, even though in general I know I'm doing a lot better than I have been. 

But the sun is shining and it's supposed to be a perfect day outside. I am still using my Verilux HappyLight, but I might not need it for much longer, maybe even not until October if this summer turns out to be a sunny one. The spring euphoria isn't hitting today, but it might later in the week if I am lucky. Or even later today -- it's not always predictable. 

And maybe -- just maybe -- by then I'll be moving. I go back and forth with that, but I do really believe it's the right next step for me. Even if not, I will be closer to my goals of mastering CS, publishing my research paper, learning engineering, publishing my novels, polishing my art so it's finally at the level that I know I am capable of attaining. 

Another Adobe position just opened up. It feels super pointless to apply to those right now, just because of how endlessly I get auto-rejected and how I narrowly failed the one interview round I did get, but I know I have to keep trying. Keep spamming. Keep trying. I'll apply again and again until I either get it or I'm dead, even if I'm doing it for the next five decades. 

And with that: 

Be still, my son -- 
You're home. 

When did you become so cold?

The blade will keep on descending...

Search for beauty; find your shore. 
Try to save them all...
Bleed no more.

You have such oceans within. 

In the end, I will always love you. 

- Nightwish 



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